Contract

For those wondering if I've actually chosen suicide, let this post put any of those thoughts to rest. I have not stopped fighting to beat back the darkness that has only recently lifted to reveal a growing love and anger. First of all, when things go wrong, who is there to make them right?  When we feel all alone, who do we turn to to help? Our friends? They are people that we have accepted into our lives, but only to a certain extent. Family? People that we either love or hate or no longer want to associate with them due to the fact that something happened. Lovers? We have chosen them to be apart of our life, but again, if they want everything on the table, how are you to say, "I have depression, I only smile at my job because I have to, I talk to people because they talk to me first.. I have two genetic diseases that are trying to kill me everyday.." And they can say, "I will be there for you." Or.. "I'm not willing to down this road with you anymore."

What then for those of us that have the ones that we feel that we can trust to tell them of what is bothering us? They are then drawn into the dark road that we travel, and to me personally, I feel guilty. And the burden of guilt grows because I feel that whatever happens, it will be my fault. And my depression worsens, and I yell and I cry out and I try to banish my demons because I don't want to hurt the ones I love.. And it hurts so much when that eventually happens and you don't know how to really say, "I'm sorry.. I really, truly am sorry.." And the guilt, the shame, the sadness, the pain, it just grows until the sun that was there, the sunshine of hope is covered by the storm of despair that engulfs me fully. And I wear my ever growing cracked mask that crumbles a little more every day, that shows that inside I'm crying and begging to be free of this mental prison that I can never be free from..

In a earlier post I was talking about not wanting to hurt this girl that I was finding myself falling in love with, and I was afraid it was only because of what she has emotionally.. Thankfully it wasn't like Kristin where everyday was something more that I had to give to make her happy, she even told me that she thought earlier in our relationship wasn't going to last, or that it was some kind of trap where I would abuse her like in her earlier relationships.. But she said that she loves my flaws, because I don't have to pretend to be strong, and she removed her cracked mask for me, and what I saw was someone who gave so willingly that she had been hurt like I had been.. Liana, if you ever find this, I'm sorry for not asking for permission earlier to tell this, but please understand that I am truly in love with you. Thank you for encouraging me to look forward to the future and not look toward the past, you truly are my Sunshine, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you.

Now, I also said that I was feeling anger, a feeling that while in my younger days I would enjoy, and had even let it rule my life which led me to being kicked out when I was eighteen.. For the past month or so, I've been noticing it more and more, and I thought, 'It's just me being tired from being homeless.' But after examining what's been going on I think I have the answer. My anger has always been something that I can rely on when I felt that the world was being crazy, and that I couldn't trust anyone, even my own family and friends. Unfortunately, I had become to dependant and it's only been in the last two years that I have let go of my anger and try to be happy and be the one that people can come to when they want to talk about something, to be a mellow guy and let go of the days events and retreat into my sleep to take on the world tomorrow.

But several things have been happening recently that I have noticed that is starting to let me be angry, shorter hours at work. This means less money, which even though I'm getting about $300 or so a month.. -Takes out a calculator and does some calculations.- So at 12 hrs a week, at minimum wage in Arizona is $8.05 an hour is $96.06 a week, times two is $193.20 which if you multiply at 15% is.. $28.98 or so taken away, so $193.20 minus $28.98 is $164.22 net pay every two weeks, times two and every month I get a grand total of $328.44.

Now, sorry about the math, but the room that I am looking at is $350 a month, which if I did my calculations correct I will be $21.56 short every month for rent. Now an extra four hours a week would do wonders to help make sure I have rent money, but not leave me anything else such as food or other things. Now with this amount of money, I wouldn't be even able to get a month bus pass which is $34 a month, which tallies up my cost to $384 a month that I would need to have transportation and rent money alone. And I now have a girlfriend that I want to get little gifts for her and eventually have her come down to where I am.. I am crying out for help and I feel left alone, because I know everyone has issues and that even though I'm still homeless, living at a Mission where being told what to do, what to eat, and how to live is starting to take its toll on me.. I guess my mom was right when she told me that little things always add up..

And of course I fight for more hours, and I fight to make sure that I will not give up, but my anger is building up, my patience is going down and I feel like I am at a crossroads where if I do not make the correct choice everything that I've been working toward for the past seven years will land me smack dab in the beginning where nothing I do matters and I lose everything.. And I hate it! I hate the feeling that my choices doesn't matter! That everything I work towards falls to pieces at the last second because some prick is having a bad day and wants to take it out on me! I hold back so much, because I can't afford to lose myself to my feelings that I battle for control over time and time again..

I'm sorry that this turned into whining, but it's just what I'm going through recently, and that hopefully no matter what is going on in your life, you can make the right decision for you and your loved ones. May the path you travel on be smooth every once and awhile, where the sun shines brightly for you, and your demons remain quiet longer. -Stray.

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

It's Raining Outside

It's raining outside and all I can think about is the one promise that I made to my ex when we were still together. I miss her at times, but does that mean that the stances I made were out of line? She told me I had changed, and that she didn't want to be with someone like that.. And I have to say I have changed, I'm less outgoing then I use to be, I no longer smile as much as I use to, and my stances on how I see the degradation of society has gotten stronger. I must say that I think I was living in a fairy tale with her, I was either too sweet or too friendly or too forward for her in some way or another..

I can say that during the four years that I chased after her, she hasn't once decided to chase after me, it was me trying to persuade her to stay with me when someone else came along, it was me trying to show how much I loved her.. And eventually it just got to a point where I was getting tired of giving all the time, sure she would say she love me, but would get mad or scared or pouty if I didn't answer her texts, or call after a certain time.. I think my problem is that I try to help those that I see as broken in some way and after awhile I start falling in love with them, trying to give them the love I see that they need so desperately at times. I think I was never actually in love with her, but the brokenness I saw in her if that makes any sense..

I'm not some white knight that goes around saying, "I can save you!" I have feelings, I have my own desires and tastes, but when I see someone that is broken inside like me, I feel drawn and attracted to that in some way that I really can't seem to understand.. It's like I was saying when I can emphasize with pretty much everyone I get to know.. I don't know how to stop doing what I do, I don't know how to stop myself from falling in love with these women that have been thrown away, rejected, stamped on, and I all I can give is my heart to be used instead of theirs. When I try to build up their self-esteem I tell them what they should of been told their entire lives, that they are loved, that they are full of worth, that they are strong, and smart and beautiful.

The society around us idolizes the thin form and shape of the human body, due to this, we have men and women acting certain ways in order to appear beautiful and pretty. For some it's a habit, a ritual, performing just for the sake of the audience that they know is watching. And the mask they keep on degrades more and more over time until they have a mental breakdown, which is why people suddenly seem to snap and do all sorts of crazy things. The mask they have is gone, and the mind can't handle it anymore, and society laughs, judges, and gossips all to make themselves feel better in some way or another. Sure, I may have my stance on certain subjects, but that doesn't mean anyone else that disagrees I love any less, it just means I love them more and want to try and let them see where I am coming from. Do I want them to change their stance? No. I want to show them both sides of the argument and let them decide.

My ex said that she couldn't do that, that her lifestyle, her choices in life were not up for talking about, even with me. So currently I'm alone, single, and talking to a girl that calls me Onii-chan.. She has problems with life and doesn't feel like she has any worth.. And what am I doing? I tell her that she is full of worth, that she is a princess, she is smart and pretty, and can do anything she sets her mind too.. And I am falling in love with her, even though were not related by blood or relations, I am falling in love with a girl I call Imoto.. little sister..  And I can just see myself being hurt or hurting her in some way and I am trying to avoid that so hard.. But I don't know what to do again... So if anyone can give me advice in some way in order to stop this cycle of self-abuse, can you let me know? Please?

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Horizons

In a small northern city, smoke rises in billows, men and creatures lay dead in pools of blood, and the dead and dying see nothing but bleakness as the cheers, everything that they had fought for was destroyed in hours. Men were slain, women and children raped and killed or taken as prisoners for slavery and trophies of conquest. This is where one man cursed the heavens, but only in mind alone, for his very arm had been sliced off when he faced off against one of the generals that had lead the siege on his very city. 

He had been a hero of world renown, but even now he could feel his breath draw close, his very body feeling colder with every passing second, his vision becoming blurry. If only he had one chance to change the battle, to have won against the general, more lives would have been saved, his family.. His wife.. What had become of her..? His body shuddered as he tried reaching up with his remaining arm, "Marinna.." With his last breath, he become limp, a once proud man who fought bravely against the disease of evil that had wanted to spread was now just another slain body.. His arm fell across his chest, his eyes staring vacantly into the twilight sky.. 

There was light still, was there? He couldn't really remember, his head hurt as he couldn't seem to move his body. Trying to struggle, he felt a soft touch of a hand against his face, and the hand filled his heart with such emotion that tears sprang from his closed eyes, his very chest contracted as he silently cried. 

"My child.." Said the voice, soft as velvet, gently in tone, and yet it was so familiar to him, and yet it was neither male nor female but somehow a blend of both. "I have watched you grow from the day you were born.." He wanted to open his eyes, he wanted to see who this was, he needed to see who this was. But his body still refused to move as he felt the voice lean over him and gently kiss his forehead, just like his mother use to do to comfort him when he was hurt or bullied. Tears continued to fall down his face as he cried, not realizing why, but knew that this touch of tenderness, of compassion, of pure love, he wanted to be forever in it. 

"But the time to die has not yet come.. For even death, when she came to claim you was told that you were still alive.." He wanted to speak, to ask where he was, who was talking to him, but the simple touch was enough to keep him still, to stop struggling, to listen to this mysterious voice. "You will be sent back to vanquish the evil that is spreading in my world, for even in despair, in desperation and depression, when you felt that all was lost, you continued to fight.." His tears finally slowing, he could hear a smile in the voice and his body flooded with happiness. 

"Go back to the world of the living my son, and take hope, for the world in its entirety, needs to balanced before I am to return.. So please, remember that I am forever with you, always able to hear your pleas for help and mercy. But also remember that on the world, my power is not easily seen so be ready to fight the temptations that come your way.." 

And with that he was finally able to sit up, his mouth open, tears falling down his face as he tried to reach out to to the voice that was so familiar that it made his very body full to the brim of happiness and contentedness of the likes that he had never known before. Looking around as the sun began to peek over the battlefield he could see that he had both arms, examining himself he found nothing else save but a small amulet around his neck. The amulet refused all attempts to open but he felt the same stirring in his heart as when he heard the voice that had spoken to him.  But now was not the time to marvel at what had transpired, getting up be put his sword back into his hilt, his shield on his back as he wiped away his muddy brown hair back under his black hat. Straightening the brim he took a deep breath and began to pick his way among the dead. 

Entering the city itself after several hours he saw nothing but what had transpired during the night, women stripped naked or simply killed in the streets, any that resisted, old and young alike were not spared from the clutches of the enemy army. A rising hatred grew in his chest, his heart fixed on what he had been told, "vanquish the evil.." If he was indeed chosen, then he would fight, he would not rest, for the world needed heroes, of men and women such as himself to take on the battle that would take their lifetimes, and even their lives to vanquish the evil that was plaguing the world around him. 

Unable to fight back the impulse, he looked to the brightening sky and yelled a battle cry, that was filled with hope and hatred. Everything was quite as the yell silenced the chattering of the birds that had come to feast on the dead. Looking around he equipped a lone horse that had seen better days with a saddle and filled it with some stale bread and a flask of water. 

His mission clear, that even the horse seemed to kneel in front of him as he surveyed his destroyed world in which he had been reborn. However before he began his journey he knelt before the battle field, sword in both hands, the blade in the earth he prayed for the dead, for his family, for strength that the voice had promised him. And he made a promise in the city of the north, to never forget, to never give up, to continue fighting until he was struck down or the evil finally vanquished. 

The horse nipped his shoulder and he smiled, getting up, blade in scabbard, he got onto the horse and whispered something gently in its ear. The horse neighed briefly, and almost seeming to nod it made its way out of the city as the dawn crested the hill on which the city had been built upon. Nothing would be the same for this chosen hero, nothing would ever be easy, but he could feel the love that he felt when he felt the kiss on his forehead and smiled. Today was his first step, today his world was changed, and today, would the man no longer hesitate.. For today, was a good day to die.. 

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Ideas Of The Mind

When one thinks of the mind, what do you usually think? What someone comes up with? Art, Ideas, Movies? What do you think goes on with the majority of people? Well, it's most likely everyday items, jeez my boss is a jerk, or I wonder what I'm going to have deal with today, that chick is hot, etc. It goes on and on and on. All the time, and most of the thoughts that the majority has are an equivalent of not being noticed, simply due to how many thoughts and ideas one has. But what if I told you that there are some that aren't concerned about the everyday choices that each of us go through? Sure, there are geniuses that are among the few, those that make life a little better, or worse for the majority of the world.

But that's not what I'm talking about, those few of us that actually have to deal with the everyday realities, that aren't involved with selfish, grotesque, little world that the majority of sheep don't want to deal with. They just want to believe that everything will be okay, that they can make their dreams come true, and that money, power, or fame is the hallmark of success. It's sickening to see these sheep go down the broad roads that have been stripped of any originality, hard work, sweat, tears and blood. The men and women before them, were pioneers of their time, and yet we just simply accept the current world around us without a hint of gratitude for their sacrifices.

I never mean to let myself to get angry, or blame others for the actions that the world around them condones and accepts, simply to let them feel better about themselves. But we few that actually see the world for what it is.. I feel a burden upon my shoulders to try and actually help those to see something better, even when it hurts me! It's why I feel depressed when I try to do something right, and in the end, it doesn't work for some reason, it pushes me farther and deeper into the dark places that I try so hard to avoid. I'm not a psychopath in any stretch of the imagination, but I can emphasize with everyone that I get to know, I can see where they are coming from, and why they are doing it.

To me, it's a curse, I would rather not have to deal with people at all, because once I do, I can agree with what they are doing. Actions, words, thoughts, ideas, I can see what they see. And I don't even know if I can still go around with my current job, because I am forced to only interact a little bit with people, when something inside my mind wants to get to know them better. Sure I'll know what kind of food or drink they'll prefer, but that part of me wants more. And I have to hold back, or else I'll get in trouble. It's why most of my family thinks I would be great as a psychiatrist, or something along that line..

Sure I could go for that, but with my current associates degree in computers, it would let me deal less with people, and more with machines, because unless AI's are getting better, they are unthinking, unfeeling pieces of equipment that we attach personalities to, due to how the machine is designed. I wouldn't have to deal with wanting to know a machine, a computer, or something electronic. I believe that this route would be safer for me in the long run, no longer would I feel guilt, or a burden for those around me that are blissfully ignorant of the world around them, to want to make them open their eyes.

I would be lonely though...

That's right, you're afraid to be alone.

Like I am now..

You are alone, aren't you? 

I have some friends though..

Where are they now? 

Busy with their everyday lives.. But they need that!

They do need to have a life, something better then yours. 

I.. Have a life..

But it's lonely isn't it? None of your friends or family ever seem to call or make sure you're okay. You're only companions is a computer, and me.

I don't know what to do..

We both know what you need to do. 

But, that would break their hearts..

Would it? Would you be missed? 

I'm sure I would be..

Really? 

...

You would no longer have your burden. And you would only be scared for the few seconds that it would take.

Just one step right off the edge..

Just one step.

No more burdens?

None. 

It wouldn't hurt?

Painless. 

I.. Could do that..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Legends

What is a legend? What defines that which is truth between that which is myth? What are the very definitions of truth and myth and how do some become legends? I've always loved legends, from reading books that had ghost tales and sightings to mysterious happenings across the world that no one can ever seem to have a scientific explanation for. If life was more mysterious would we as a species expect more of the unexpected, instead of the senses that we use for everyday life? Can we as humans imagine what it would be life to live with supernatural beings that were normal everyday events?

With each and every day showing the worse that humanity has to offer, I at this moment in time can say no. No we cannot. We are entirely too dependent on what others tell us that we can't help but to be skeptical, the old ways are being overrun. Make way for the new, the more advanced, the more powerful.. The more stupid. Sure we are close to creating things that only authors in old science fiction books could imagine, but at what cost? Wars plague the planet in larger numbers then we have ever seen, viruses, diseases, death is ever more prevalent. Hunger is becoming more seen, senseless violence is now an everyday occurrence, and all we ever seem to do is work, go home, and watch TV before doing it all over again. College students cannot get the jobs they are working for in their degrees, and more debt is piling up each second that we are alive.

Can you possibly imagine what life is going to be like in twenty, thirty years from now? From this exact moment everything that we grew up with will change, children will barely remember what a rotary dial is, cellphones will no longer exist as scientists will come up with something that will directly interact with the human mind. That which we can remember will only be a memory while we stare into the distance.. Pollution is at an all time high, more babies are being born then ever before, and prices for everyday items continue to rise..

What is the truth of our lifetime as we see all that is happening around us and continue to ignore it? To be only in the now, to see our fleshy desires become first, to ignore the virtues our parents taught us just because those 'rules' are antiquated, outdated. Boys who think they are men continue to father little ones whom they will either hit, abandon or eventually kill. The children will be raises by single mothers or the state where they are statistically cited as having more mental problems then those growing up in a home with a normal family. Girls who think they are women will still look at themselves in the mirror and pretty themselves up, go out on dates with boys, get pregnant and either have an abortion, keep the baby and give it up to adoption, or raise the child alone with little to no hope.

I see the generation around me, I see so many wants and desires to please them that it sickens me, and I think to myself. Am I the only who doesn't see an attractive woman and instantly think about sex? Am I the only one that instantly looks at age, height, weight, clothes, the way she is walking, and who she is walking with? Her body language, the way that she smiles or is frowning? I feel like such an oddity for instantly trying to think about the person at hand instead of seeing them as personal gratification. When I was younger, yes I did see girls, women as that, but as I continued to grow, to mature, to sense that life wasn't all about me, I saw more. I try to stay attentive, I try to think about what tomorrow will bring and how I can prepare for that.

But apparently I cannot do that, I am to play my stereotype, the fat white nerd who is suppose to be into anime, be messy, be lazy, have no interest with real relationships, be into computers, and hate jocks because they get the girl. We as people categorize due to how we view the world as a whole, nerds are suppose to exist to not have a real life, jocks play sports and get the girls, blacks are suppose to like watermelon and chicken, Asians  are suppose to be super smart, Native Americans to be drunk and so on and so forth..

Those are the myths, those are the lies that we tell ourselves that we are suppose to believe, men are suppose to do manly things, women do womanly things. Now there are those that challenge the status quo, those that say that things should change. But sheep are easily herded, sheep have no leaders and simply follow where everyone else is going. Those that stand against the hatred, the violence, the mindless obsession with things are branded as traitors, rebels, expendable, weird.. They are shunned by those around them, some are even killed, tortured, and forced to watch that what they had worked for their entire lives be burned.

We are selfish, despicable, rotten people, we would rather look out for number one instead of those around us that continue to suffer in silence. Religion is seen as something that needs to be replaced, god(s) have no place in today's world of soaring structures and technology. It's a crutch, right? Seen only as a thing that no longer has any basis. What if the religion that some look down doesn't hurt anyone? That the only thing that the religion wants to do is love others but only hate that which is deliberately hurtful to oneself? And the only thing you can do about is open your heart, to love those around you, and try not to let your fleshly desires overpower you? How is that hurting you in any way except help you to try and live a better life? Most people don't see it that way, it's a restraint on whatever they want to do, and go against it because they don't want to give up their desires.

The truth hurts, it stings, and no one likes it. But that is the legend, the legend of abilities, actions, and opinions that show that the sheep need to change. That which is a lie needs to change into the truth. But no one wants to do that, it's too hard, it's not fun. Who said that the truth was suppose to be easy? The truth is never easy, and most of us don't want to hear the truth, we couldn't handle it because we would rather live a lie! Is guilt easier to live with if we lie about it? Why do you think truth hurts at first? Because it exposes us, it shows our guilt, our inner secrets and we are afraid as a species to be judged. But after the guilt is gone, forgiven, it doesn't weigh you down anymore, you can more easily face the life that you lead, even if it has changed.

The myth mixed with a lie, will always be a lie. But the truth mixed with the myth will always become a legend. It shall forever stand the test of time, no matter who says what, who does what and when. We are mortals, we are fragile, we are nothing more then dust on the winds of time, here one second, gone the next. Thinking about this everyday is never easy, trying to go forward even when everyone is against you is the hardest thing you can do. I try every day, I keep being told that I can't do this and that, and it gets to me, and I fall further down into my hole of darkness and despair. And it hurts! It hurts when the ones you love leave you because they can't or are unwilling to see the myth. So let me give you this challenge, would you rather still live with a myth, or become a legend?

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Fairy Tale

I'm sorry if people get confused with the title, but please, continue to read further ahead. My name is Straydog on the web, a guy who has gone through bouts of depression so dark that I don't know how I am still alive. I do try to stay optimistic, and most of my friends can attest to that fact, but for now, I am hiding all my pain, my hurt, my loneliness, behind my cracked mask of lies and decet in order to not make any friends or family worry about me. To be honest, this online blog is more like a large collection of thoughts, desires, wants, and grumbles about the life that I live in this ever increasing hellhole of a planet.

For those visiting for the first time, welcome, I'm sorry if you feel like you're reading something boring, and want to go somewhere else. I can't promise that you'll find a lot of interesting things, but I can promise you that truth, combined with the written word can have a strong effect on the human mind, only if you want to read further that is. It's currently raining right now, and it's cold out, from my vantage point on the second floor I can see very little activity, and it makes me feel more alone. All I can do is continue to write, to fight going forward and try to not let the past week drag me further into the despair that I am currently in.

If you were expecting someone trying to gain attention with the doom and gloom, I'm sorry to disappoint you, these are true thoughts, wants, from someone who feels so lost in this world that I don't know where to go, or who to turn to. I'm not someone seeking attention, I just want to reach out and help others realize that they are not alone as well, that the happiness they seek can be a reality, but they have to keep fighting. And I know it's hard and that life isn't fair, and that no matter what you try to do, you're thrown right back where you started, or even deeper than before.

If you've seen anime, then you know the meaning of friendship, and family, of fighting for what is right, and determined to be strong against all odds. For some that watch anime, they know all the characters, which ones are their favorites or least favorites, how they felt when someone got hurt or was killed. To me, they are a form of a modern hero, even though they aren't real, we see, feel, laugh, and cry with them, and want only for them to win in the end.

Real life, sadly, isn't an anime, it's not a fairy tale. We don't fight real monsters that try to destroy humanity, we don't have powers, or come from a long line of magic users. We don't get to save the girl or guy and defeat the villain. We are ordinary, with vast differences that cost lives at times, friendships, even families that can't agree on something. And sometimes we wish so very hard to be someone different, to use abilities, to use a mech, to make peace with those around us, to fight against the very thing driving everyone around you apart! For then, anime is not only a cartoon, our heros come alive, and we yell and we scream for them to come help us in our lives that is so torn down, broken apart that we don't know what to do!

Where can't I be a hero!? Where can I go to save my mom and dad to stop fighting? Why can't I just be someone special that can save people and fight for what I know is right? Why can't I just be a hero who has friends that I can rely on to help me? Can't I do anything to stop the evil I see around me!? To save those in need?

And yet, it never happens, our family breaks apart, people die from needless violence, while others go hungry, go without a home, a place where they can feel safe in the storm called life. Today we seem to only care about ourselves, about what we go through, or want to go through. We have so many wants for ourselves that we barely see beyond our own world to see that the person sitting next to us has just lost their mother in a car accident. That their father or husband who went to fight for the right of others has been killed in a roadside bombing.

 The modern heroes that we so want, are the men and women that decide to go against their selfish nature and help those in need, so that the tyrants who want everyone to do what they want cannot go one step further. To stop hurting another person, to stop brainwashing them into believing the very thing that they detest. To save those people in a burning building get away, to rescue someone from drowning, or being swept away by a flash flood. To help someone out of a car that is ready to explode from the leaking fuel, to make sure that the sick can become well..

I recently just heard that someone who I left an encouraging message on their own blog needs help with medical expenses. She until recently was a cutter, felt alone, and wanted it to all just end. Her boyfriend, and now fiance' was the only person in her life that continued to be there for her. I really don't know the details, but she asked me to see if anyone was willing to help her. I told her that I would.. To be someone who helps others is usually a thankless task, but to help someone, anyone, is an honor that we as humanity should do no matter what. So I ask you this, will you help someone today? Will you be willing to donate money for a stranger, to give up a few dollars to help this woman's fiance' that helped save her life? Will you be her modern hero?

Donate here: http://www.gofundme.com/rptmj3ak

Her Blog: http://anaveragedayinacutterslife.blogspot.com/

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Courage

Today is another day, one filled with sadness and happiness, with life and death with the abundance of emotions that range from despair to pure joy, what do we continue to fight for? What is the main reason that we continue to get up in the morning? Is it for work? Is it for a family, an apartment? Knowing that each time you get up your day will never be without ups and downs, that life will sometimes look at you and say.

"No.. you haven't had enough yet, let's make you lose your job due to cuts in the company. After that you will search for work and not find it because at the age of eighteen you decided that steal would be fun. And that's going to follow you for a long time. Not because you straightened up your act afterwords, but because when someone looks at you, all they can think of is, thief. You will be branded a thief for the rest of your life, wherever you go for employment, no one willing to look at you because of that.."

"And because you won't have a job you'll lose your apartment, and go to a shelter. But because of time limits you will be forced to truly live on the streets, begging, shivering under the night sky as the temperature dips below thirty degrees every night.. And people will just look at you and think, what a bum. He refuses to get a job, what a piece of trash that we have to look at.. So yes, here is your piece of the pie, you're welcome."

 As I've heard before, we do not choose to become victims, only volunteers.. Where does the volunteering part come from? It certainly isn't when depression comes my way, it's not when I lose someone close to me, not from loosing a job, becoming homeless or feeling like each day is a climb up the steepest mountain. Where does being the volunteer come from when life and man decide to step on those that are trying so hard to get away from the problems that surround them each and everyday? If so, show me. Please do. I know it's not for lack of trying to get past each and everyday, of seeing others go forward and you feel like you are at a standstill, slowly sliding backwards..

We are all victims in one way or another, we have never volunteered for the life that continually shows us that no matter where we go, no matter how hard we try, how hard we fight, it feels like nothing matters.. We few that want it all to end, don't want our lives to truly end, but to make the pain that we experience every single day to stop. We want to stop cutting, to stop drinking, to stop seeing our masks crumble each time we have to say that we are happy, that we are okay, that things are going well.. Each lie that we tell those around us make our shoulders sag just a little more, our tears a little more bitter, our hearts a little heavier..

It's a life that we live with continually, battling just to survive until we can get back into our beds and shut away everything that happened. That job you were hoping to get, sorry, you messed up. That marriage that you tried for so hard to keep together, sorry, you messed up. The family you wanted so dearly, sorry, you messed up. We are always told we can't have something because, sorry, you messed up. Stealing is wrong, therefore, no job in the future when you want one, sorry, you messed up. Not giving your spouse the time when you come home after work, or constantly drinking, or maybe you decided to play patty cake with someone else behind their back is on you. Even after you quit, and tried to hard to show them that you changed, sorry. No forgiveness here, you messed up.

The family that you wanted so much, your body is unable to reproduce, or your body was unable to handle the pregnancy, your husband or wife isn't interested because something else is too important to them. When you went to adopt you were turned down because you don't either make enough, or too much, the baby or small toddler who smiled at you and melted your heart, you can't adopt them now. Sorry, you messed up.

Why do we as human beings decide to get up everyday? Is it because that we somehow find the courage deep inside of us to move forward? Where does this courage come from? I don't really know, it's hard to figure out why I haven't tried to commit suicide again after becoming homeless the first time. Or not take those last few pills that I know would forever let me sleep and never wake up.. I'm currently still alive, wanting this to all end, fighting against what I see in my own way and hating humanity for its problems with one another, for their greed, and selfishness, and all of that coming back and affecting me. I have made my own share of mistakes, but I keep trying for some reason that I don't know yet.. Is it because of my dream to have a job, a house, a family that constantly gets stepped on? Even when I am told, sorry, you messed up.

This fragile life that we as humans have, is it the courage inside of us that makes us go forward with a heavy sigh and say, "Maybe today will be different.." For all I know is that this courage that I have is slowly waning away into nothingness, soon I won't be able to get up in the morning, to fight, to survive. I'll be drowning even more, and this time, no one will be able to save me, that is when my worst fear will come alive.. To be alone.. And I dread when that day will come, when I look in the mirror, and see that my mask it so cracked that I won't be able to hide behind it anymore..

"Maybe today will be different.."

Are you sure?

"But, it's a new day.."

But you're still alone.

"I have people around me that care about me.."

Then where are they?

"I.. Their busy.."

Too busy to come and help right?

"But tomorrow they'll come.. Right?"

They weren't there yesterday, they weren't here today..

"They won't be there tomorrow?"

They don't care about you anymore.

"But.. They said I was their friend."

Then where are they?

"I.."

You should just let it all go.

"It's hard getting up in the morning now."

What if you never had to wake up again?

"That would be nice.."

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

I'm fine, I'm just not happy.

I have always been told, when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade out of them. But what do you do when you get sick and tired of the lemonade because so many lemons are thrown your way? What can you do when the life you are trying so hard to live with always seems out of reach, and you know that you should try harder, to reach out higher, to just take one more step?

 But then, trying never seems to be enough, the higher you reach out, the higher it goes, and one more step turns into a hundred.. The cracked mask that you hold onto your face cracks more, and the sadness, the hopelessness, the despair, anger, and you have no idea what to do with it, the pain just builds up, the voices are in your head, whispering, yelling, and you just want it all to stop!

"STOP IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" And sometimes that works, the pain ebbs away slightly and you go to your vice, the thing that helps you cope in life and then it comes back again, like giant waves, sinking beneath the waves you try to reach out, and want anyone, someone to reach back and help you back out of the water. It doesn't happen does it? You sink lower and lower, drowning in all that you tried to hold back, and you can look above, and see people just walking by, paying attention to their own problems, their own demons, their own pain that they deal with..

Some of us are still drowning today, the dreams turn into nightmares and you don't want to sleep, every waking day is usually harder then the next. The storm of emotions that are all boiling together never stop unless you do something to numb yourself, is it that razor knife that lets you feel better when you do it? The bottle that lets you numb yourself and makes it so that you can't focus on life anymore?

The drugs that let you mellow out and silence the voices in your head for a few hours? Work? Internet? Porn? Pain that turns to pleasure? Domination? Bullying? These are only a few of the vices that we use to get through our day, because at the end of it, we are all alone with our thoughts, the feelings of happiness, acceptance, all go away once the sun goes down and night rules.

I know that life isn't easy, we all live with our fears, our hopes, our anguish, our voices, our pain.. I don't like depression, I don't like being a victim, I hate every single second I am in its grasp, but no matter how hard I run, how hard I try, how hard I try to smile, I am crying on the inside. I am drowning in this pain that does not go away!

Reaching out to others is hard because most of the time they really don't see us for who we really are under our masks that crack just a little more each and everyday.. It's harder to get up in the morning, I wake up multiple times during the night, and if people ask if I'm okay, I just say, "I'm fine." Or "Just tired."

I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other though, because if I don't I will fall down, I will drown more, I will keep hearing my voices that tell me to give up. That I'm a loser and that I can't do anything right. I should of never been born. I'll always be trouble. I'll never find love because it's only a fairytale..

Real love, real happiness, real smiles and laughs are as foreign a concept to me as the bottom of the sea. I know that things live on the bottom of the ocean, I've seen pictures, and see videos, but I will never be able to see it myself.. I will never be able to truly experience them, it will always be just a concept. So for now, I will continue to imitate, to hide myself away, to show the world that I am okay, but inside I'm dying..

"You know you should do it right? You won't have to worry about anything if you're dead."

I know.. 

"Giving up is so much easier, just let things happen."

It sounds easier.. 

"What a loser, no one cares."

I.. 

"You'll never have a family."

I guess..

"No one will ever love you! You're too ugly!"

I guess I am.. 

"You're just a mistake."

Am I really just a mistake? 

"Just Give up!"

But..

"Give up!'

I want to..

"Give up!"

I want to give up..

"GIVE UP!"

I WANT TO GIVE UP! I WANT TO GIVE UP! I WANT TO MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY! I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'LL GIVE UP! I'LL BE A GOOD BOY! I SWEAR I WILL! 

I'm drowning and it feels nice because that means I won't have to worry anymore, I can let go finally.. And then the pain will stop..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

The Clouds Are Gathering

The Clouds Are Gathering All Around Me,
There Is No Escape, I Cannot Flee.

To Be In Such A Place, I Face OverWhelming Odds,
I Stand Facing the Storm, Standing Against The Gods.

To Watch My Own Demise, Where I Go Down Into Death,
I Must Wait And Surmise, What can I do as I draw my last Breath?

The Clouds Are Gathering All Around Me,
I Cannot Stand Now, I Stumble and Fall On One Knee.

Those That Would Harm My Well Being, Have Only One Desire,
Only One Place Am I Seeing, To Escape Into The Fire.

For The Flames Burn My Flesh, And Strip Me of All Thought,
The Same Instant There Is A Plesh, But It Is All For Naught.

The Clouds Are Gathering All Around Me,
The Darkness It Is Slathering My Very Existence, Now I Can Never Be Free.

-Stray.

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Cracked Masks

In the world that we currently live in, we have standards that we put around us, such as who we socialize with, who we can and cannot talk to, our partners, our friends, our families..  Everyone we will ever know at one point in our life will have standards and opinions, decisions in life that lead them to where they are today.. Some of us want to break those standards, those idealizations about who can do what and who can't.. It's like, well if you don't what they're doing, don't worry about it, you don't know them.. Or, so what if they like doing this, you don't have to agree with them.. 

Tolerance is the issue that we in the world live with, if somebody does something, then we must, WE MUST tolerate what they are doing. Just so they don't have hard feelings later and they can feel included in the world of peace and love.. It's all just a masked that we put on our faces when we go out of the house, we all wear them, some are new while other are faded, cracked from the use.

 Where does tolerance end in our society as an whole? Will it ever end? Does that mean my opinion doesn't, shouldn't matter others? If it doesn't matter, does that mean I become rejected? And if I become rejected, does that mean I am silenced by the majority, or minority that wanted to do something about my opinion in the first place? 

Opinion is never fact, it's an idea, an assumption on how life is, or how we perceive something, some people have very strong opinions and that's okay.. But it's how we use them to beat other people over the head, especially we few that are tired of listening to whoever comes on and spouts out what they believe is right or wrong. It can be annoying, it can be degrading, it can inflict wounds that are deep or can be brushed right off. 

We few that see the world in such a chaotic state are discouraged, disheartened, and the feelings that are associated with them are never really sure where to stand. Should I stand here, should I stand there? What if I don't want to stand at all? What if I agree with both sides of the issue and just want them to stop bickering and fighting and just try to let them see that they are different but it doesn't have to boil down to bullying and name calling.. 

I have to deal with that every day that I talk to people, opinions on who does this better, who does that better, where do I stand with this issue or that issue. I'm done! I'm tired of all that just adding to the personal turmoils that I still deal with an a day to day basis. I'm not perfect, I'm not the best at one thing or another, all I want to be is not alone in this world. 

But the world wants opinions that are facts, ideals to be maintained, it's own laws on how to live amongst everyone and where to go in life.. What is a life that doesn't bring happiness and only pain exists because you are balancing and juggling so many things? For me, I juggle on where I should even step with people, feeling like if I make this one mistake I will be seen as a fake, they will see my mask and laugh at me for what I am going through. 

"Depression? Dude, just shake it off, it'll go away eventually."

But it hasn't.. 

"Really? Grow up already! Get with the program!"

But I keep trying.. 

"Crybaby! What, you just cry yourself to sleep every night?"

No, I'm afraid to fall asleep.. 

"Depression isn't real, it's all in your mind. Make a positive mindset and things will look up." 

Then why does it all keep falling down around me? 

"You're just faking it for attention." 

I wish it was just fake.. 

There are many masks in the world, and we all wear them, some more then others, and it doesn't matter with race, with size, with gender, with equality for all.. We are all different, we are all hurting in one way or another and we all lash out in one way or another! I don't want to lash out, I don't want to hurt those closest to me so I wear my mask! 

I wear with nothing else to back me up because inside I feel even more alone and afraid then I was before! I smile because I don't want to frown! I laugh so that I don't cry! I reach out because I don't want to be alone.. And the pain never seems to go away, ever. It lessens to a point, and when I think that maybe things are actually up, and I can allow myself to be happy, it comes back, stronger and more painful than before. And I don't know what to do about it.. So I write my thoughts here in hopes that someone sees them and can find solace that they aren't alone, that they aren't alone in their struggles to make sense of this life that they live, that if they just fight for as long as they can, the dark can possibly go away and the light at the end of the tunnel comes.. 

Please, please, please try not to give up like those before us who couldn't take it anymore, and had to end it all so that their demons could be silenced once and for all. It's hard, I know it is, and I feel just as lost as you, and I don't know what to either but to try and survive for one more day. If I can survive for one more day, then possibly it will all get better, if I can get past this darkness that is swallowing me alive, I can make it.. 

So fight, survive, do whatever you have to do in order to become a survivor and tell others what we go through, that we aren't faking it, that we fight every, single, damn day and cope by escaping into a world where we don't feel judged! Where we don't have to put on a mask and lie to those around us! Where we can just feel for once that we can make it before seeing the reality of our situations and end it all! We few that fake laughs so that we don't cry, smile so that we don't frown, and do whatever it takes so that we don't feel alone.. 

The edge looks close tonight, and I can hear the voices telling me to jump.. and all I can do is try and drown them out music, or a movie, or something so that I don't give up and surrender and say. "Yes.. I don't want to hurt anymore." And jump off, and smile knowing that it will all end and I won't suffer inside of this mask anymore.. 

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Semicolon

Depression is a horrible thing, it can lead to so many dark roads that many of us never want to stop, or feel that they have gone so deep into the darkness that they can't find their way back.. Everyone in the entire world has gone into depression at one point in their life, and it either ended up as they went through it, or they are still stuck in the darkness. I am still one of those people feeling like I am still in the darkness, even with friends around that encourage me, it gets so hard at times that I just want to end it all..

If you search on the internet long enough you can come across forums that tell people how exactly they can kill themselves with little to no pain.. Personally I've fantasized about jumping off a tall building, to just give into that small voice in the back of my head that tells me to let go of it all.. Sure, I would leave a mess, but the pain would stop, right? It would all go black, and all it would take is a small step off of some building and splat! Oh i'm sure that my family and friends would cry, my ex would spill tears as well.. But it wouldn't have been her fault that I decided to let go, sure she was my last anchor into the painful struggle of reality, but it would of been my choice..

Suicide, I'm told is never the answer, and I should know that to be true.. My adopted family would most likely be heartbroken as well as all I can show around outside of myself is a cracked smiling mask! I just want to take it off, and stomp on it! Crushing it into little pieces, until nothing remained and I could freely cry and just show who I really am.. For all I can see is that the bright future that I saw as a little boy has grown dim, and it keeps getting darker.. And the pain hurts so much at times that I want to just rip my heart out to make it stop.

We few that live in the darkness by choice, by pain, by memories that head our demons show humanity that we are weak and fragile beings. And the pressure is more then enough to drive us over, to make us jump, or to cut, or to burn, or to just finally go numb.. Humanity is flawed, and the hole inside of us that so many want to fill never gets any smaller. A fact that most of us choose to ignore, and a fact that some of us can't ignore..

Showing support to those with depression, suicide, and the like is a great action for the self.. But when was the last time you saw someone let their mask slip just enough to see the hurt underneath? Words and self actions can only get you so far until you face the harsh reality around you, and you are given a choice. Will I end it all here, to finally make the pain stop once and for all, or will I fight the pain, to hopefully see a brighter tomorrow?

If you have someone that understands what you are going through, never let them go for they may be the only line you have left in this life. They are the difference between life and death for us few that cannot see something brighter at the end of the tunnel.. We few whose courage and strength has been worn down throughout the years, enduring for so long that any fighting spirit is spent, any peace that we wanted has fled, and any happiness is eaten up when we go for our vice to help us cope.

Those around us will never be able to see the real us beneath our masks that we have for so long worn that we want to desperately believe that we are happy in where we are in life. Happiness for us is fleeting, but it feels so good that we want more, and we would do anything for that brief respite from our daily struggles. We few who cannot escape our demons, would do anything to make them go away..

I personally right now have been up for more then twenty four hours because I am afraid to sleep. An action that once brought me relief is gone, and the nightmares that haunt me when I there should never be allowed to torment others.. These demons are mine to endure, to fight, to try and survive, but for how much longer will I be able to last? Will I eventually give up and join those before me into never ending sleep, or push through it, crying and clawing and yelling the entire time until my true happiness comes to drive away my demons?

Right now, I don't know.. But it would be so much easier to take that step over the edge wouldn't it? No more pain, no more sorrow, no more having to pretend that I'm okay and that I want to die on the inside? I know my family would be saddened, but they would still be alive, and wouldn't have to worry about me anymore..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Depression is a Demon Pt. 2

For those suffering from depression, it can come any number of ways, any any sort of time, and it can stay as long as it wants. We can all just try to shake it off, run away, drown it out with pain, pleasure, numbness.. I once heard that depression has no victims, only volunteers, and I have to disagree with that. I don't volunteer to have my thoughts weigh me down, I don't volunteer to go back into the past and remember both the good and the bad memories, and I don't volunteer to yell at the heavens!

 I want none of that, I hate it! I hate those voices in my head that tell me that I'm not good enough, that tell me that I can't do anything right in my life! So I just charge forward, wanting to run away from it all! To make a better life for myself.. And I thought I was doing that..

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.. And I'm not proud of them, but the things that I shunned away, welcome me with open arms again. It's like they're saying, "We missed you! Don't worry, we won't ever go away! We will always be right here.." And it's true, our vices, our former escapes seem so much better now, and to be honest, it makes me feel better. Not because I'll look later at them again, despising what I did, but because I don't feel judged, I don't feel empty, I feel whole again, even if it is harmful and I know it's wrong..

I can see those welcoming arms, and I know that I shouldn't go back there, that I can't go back there.. But there they are, knowing that I won't be able to resist again for much longer.. And I yell at God! "Where are you when I need you the most! Why don't you tell me that everything is going to be okay! I need more then your word! I need you!" And I don't feel like I get anything back, only silence, only the same voices in my head telling me that I'm worthless, that I'll never have a family, that I'll never be able to fall in love and expect it to last..

I just.. I really need to be okay.. Nothing would be better if I was okay, right? This pain is what tells me that I am still alive, but for how much longer? I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting, to only curl up into my shell, and cry, and push everyone away again.. To build walls around my heart that will need to be broken down again? Because right now, I feel defenseless, I feel ashamed, and I feel overwhelmed.. "WHERE ARE YOU OH LORD! WHY DO YOU TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM ME!? WHY DO YOU LET MY ENEMIES SURROUND ME TO SPIT AND JEER AT MY BROKENNESS!? Please.. make it all go away.."

To be depressed, is to be broken, to be in constant pain that will never go away, to always feel like you are on the outside and everybody points at you.. "Hey! Isn't it that guy who doesn't tolerate gay marriage? That's why his girlfriend left him again, what a pansy! What a wuss! He's so worthless, I'm glad that he was thrown away like trash!"

Am I really trash? I.. I don't think I am..

"Worthless!"

Am I really worthless?

"Pathetic!"

But I try so hard..

"Loser!"

Please stop..

"Baby!"

Please stop.

"Faggot!"

Please stop!

"Justin, you are a whore.."

Please stop!!

PLEASE STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I WANT THIS TO ALL JUST STOP! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I TRIED? PLEASE! ANYONE! TELL ME THAT I CAN DO SOMETHING! THAT I'M NOT TRASH! THAT I'M NOT WORTHLESS! THAT I'M NOT SOMEONE THAT CAN BE THROWN AWAY! PLEASE DON'T IGNORE ME!

Please..?

My tears won't stop falling..

My pain keeps numbing..

My mask is cracking, I'm going to need another one..

The ceiling is different again..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Depression is a Demon

Life isn't always fair, to put that into perspective, can you consider looking around at how the world is today? People claiming that they aren't treated fair when they themselves don't always treat others the way they want to be treated? Now there are some, don't get me wrong, but what is the thought that goes through so many minds? Is it the right to be accepted into a world, by peers, by friends and family that drive them to do so many things? Is it regret, disgrace, pain.. Death? We all walk paths that seemingly go anywhere before us, and never seem to stop, the distance always showing us how little or how much we walk. We can someone beside us, or continue to walk alone, howling in rage, in disgust, in pain..

I'm currently still on my path where so many before me seem to have fallen off, and where so many before me will someday stand at the exact spot where I once stood.. My path is still on a mountain, it's cold, it's hard, and the one person I thought I could trust, the one person whom I thought always knew what I was going through couldn't do it anymore. So she left to go somewhere else, and once again, I am alone. Alone in turmoil, in this small bit of rocky shelter that I found on this rocky path is the only thing keeping me from looking over the edge and wanting to throw myself off.. And the demons that keep my company just seem to laugh at my misery, at my pain, at my loneliness..

I have always been afraid of one thing, and one thing only, being alone. It's not really spiders or heights, or seeing and feeling in my dreams of being torn apart slowly each time I close my eyes.. But being alone by myself, and no one seems to get that! It's like they don't know what to do when faced with my demons and just throw me away so that I don't affect them, like it's some sort of disease! The feelings of pain and despair just seemingly grow more and more inside me, and I don't want to acknowledge it! And I just numb myself by internet, by friends, by games, by looking towards God who in His ever knowing grace and wisdom has let me be born with genes and a possible disease that will slowly kill me! Thinking about such things is never fruitful, but at the end of the day, I am all alone. Sitting in front of my desk staring at the screen, afraid to fall asleep and wake up to another day where I am still alive, alone, and wanting to just make it all go away!

Please, please, just make it all go away, I don't want to see them anymore! Can't you see the chains that hold me down!? The voices that always seem to edge me further toward the edge that I can never come back from? And I tell myself, and others, that it's going to be okay! It has to be, okay! Because if it isn't then what good is knowing that in the end that I am going to be alone, trapped forever on this journey with no end to it.. It has to be okay! I can't give up, because if I do.. Then what good am I as a human being? What kind of example would I have given to my younger brothers if I go off into the abyss? It has to be okay! It has to be okay! IT HAS TO BE OKAY! Right!? Right? It has to be okay....                                                               I WANT TO STAY ALIVE!

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Old Post

(This was intended as my original post before moving to my new place. I never got around to finishing it. And I guess today was just the day to finish it. So enjoy.)

"Samus you have everything packed yet?" The A.I. looked around at the messy room that had been hers to have since she had been created. "No.." Stray peaked his head in and raised an eyebrow with a confused expression "Why not?" She looked down and then looked away pursing her lips as her face grew hot.
"Because I don't want to move."
"Doesn't matter, we have to."
"Hmph! Just because you had to go and say those things-"
"It wasn't my fault!" Crossing his arms over his chest he glared at her before looking down at the  floor.
"I'm sorry, but we just have to make things work, we have a friend willing to take us in for awhile." "But.."
"Look, I'm sorry that we have to move, we had a great thing going, but with no job at the moment we have to take whatever comes our way, right?"
"If you say so.."

Sighing Stray went off to pack off more the living room before yelling out, his computer locked and not accepting his password. He called out again, not wanting to be mad at her but not really liking her mischievous behavior that she had developed on her own.

"Samus!" 

"Yes!?"

 "What did you do to my computer!?"

She smiled before quickly going back to packing her meager possessions, not daring to remind him that she was an A.I. and could basically do whatever she wanted to his computer. Besides simply locking him out, she had also replaced his password after finding out some less than wonderful material on a small part of his hard drive. Due to the fact that is was mostly about the girl that she had been modeled after, it didn't fill her with confidence about his intentions if he ever got the idea to do anything to her. "It's what you deserve." She said to herself as she folded her clothes and put them into one of the boxes that was marked with her name.

Smacking the laptop once more before powering it down, he slumped in the chair while looking toward the ceiling. Later that night he was going to be looking at an unfamiliar ceiling again, nothing made much sense in his life anymore. He had some money but it wouldn't last, and he wasn't sure how long the graciousness of his friends would last, one month, two? If that lasted longer, than certainly things would look up for him, hopefully find a better job then he had right now. It was great for the small things such as food and keeping Samus maintained, but being forced to move when he felt at home? Not that he wasn't grateful, but he always longed for a more permanent home, a place to call out, "I'm home!" And someone would be there to greet him, Samus maintained the link between sanity and insanity for now, but with her entering a 'teenage' stage of her development it didn't give him much confidence that he could remain him.

It was always the darkness that scared him, being alone without anyone around, knowing that no one wanted him that haunted him in every hour. Could that knock be from the landlord, kicking him out? Or could it be from the one he always saw in his dreams? The little girl that laughed and giggled and pointed at him as he was mutilated in different ways? Was that why sleep was so hard to come by these days, or was it the stress? "Too many questions, not enough answers." Stray muttered to himself as he finished packing his meager possessions away. Once the truck got here, he would put most of the stuff in the storage, and then go to the apartment where his friends were waiting for him to arrive. "Come on Samus." He called out to her, as he opened the door for one last time, and stepped outside, to an unknown future, to an unknown fate, to death herself if she wanted him so bad, but for now, it was just a step, a step to the uncertain..

To The Men and Women of The Armed Forces

Thank you. For the sacrifices that most people, in this day and age that have begun to spit upon. I know this is late, but I didn't have anything in mind for the longest time. Both of my grandparents served in Vietnam, one a Green Beret, the other man served in the Navy, my two youngest brothers are in the ROTC program and want to serve after graduating high school. I have, for the longest time, always admired the brave men and women who were willing to put their lives on the line for not only their county, but their family, their friends, those who are unable or willing to fight for the very freedoms that is slowly being stripped away in this day and age.

Again, thank you. I can think of no other way then to say those words, thank you. For everything. I know most might not read this, as this blogger is usually silly or pissed about something, trying to find his place in the world. And right now, I don't care, because I respect those who have served in their respected roles, for those that have fallen, and for those that have come home. In my few brief years on Earth I have met, and befriended veterans that have scars. Stories from when they served, and you can see the pain in their eyes when they tell you what they have seen. I can't even begin to fathom the PTSD that plague those that are willing to serve, and it hurts that you can't seem to do anything about it. But all I can say, is thank you, thank you for serving, thank you for willing to put your lives on the line, and thank you, for those who have already gave their lives. You will never be forgotten, you will always be missed, and I know that you will always be appreciated. Thank you.

-Stray.

A Serbian Film...

Films are made every single day, there are popular ones, bad ones, good ones, silly ones, the list goes on and on. Among these films there are those that are willing to always stretch the envelope, and there is always an audience for them. Snuff films are supposedly movies of murder, what happens with the body before or after the murder, then sold for money. Now, there have been no confirmed movies to be circulating among the public, but rumors will always continue to circulate, no matter what.

Now murder in films hasn't always been portrayed in the most gruesome and disgusting ways, even today we as humans enjoy seeing the good guy win, the bad guy in jail or dead for his misconduct, the credits end, and we walk away with a good feeling in our hearts. We condone violence in one form or another, it is in our DNA, a fact of life that we must all learn to identify, and use only when there is no other way out of a situation. This is why God gave us two fists, and one brain, unless you believe in evolution, then this is why you SHOULD think before YOU ACT!

But there are some films out there that are pushed so far in the name of art and entertainment that for a brief second, you almost believe that you are watching a actual film that involves the act of killing another human being. A person of virtue would never allow themselves to watch such a thing, and a jaded person would still never watch without flinching or looking away. But there are some among us that enjoy such things, entertainment is entertainment, it doesn't matter in what format you see it in, right? This is why normal people are everywhere, I actually laughed at the ending and then started hitting my head against the wall repeatedly asking myself what the hell had I just watched.

So, A Serbian Film was a movie released in 2010, it was and is still banned in Spain, Norway and Brazil, this movie, is arguably one of the most controversial films of all time. There are the contributing factors of the ban that include scenes of child rape, incest and murder, among others. This movie has received mixed reviews from many critics, some of which condemned the film for it’s extreme sexual violence. The plot revolves around an aging porn star, who agrees to participate in one last film in order to provide for his family, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a pedophilia themed snuff film, from which there is no escape and kills him and his family in the end. yes, spoilers, too bad.

If you really want to watch this movie, I suggest a couple of things, an empty stomach, no eating or drinking of any fluids, a bucket, and by yourself, in the dark, with headphones on, and make sure that no one is around. If you are queasy about the prospect of watching people being murdered, women being beaten, kids being raped, and more, then you have been warned. There are two versions floating around on the internet, the version that cuts out about an hour and more of the graphic parts, and one that is tamer but still can twist your stomach if you're not use to being fucked with in a more personal way. I didn't watch any dubbed versions, only subtitled, and I found the more graphic version only to push myself to see what I could get away with.

I didn't look away, I didn't flinch, I kept getting closer to the screen though, mouth open, eyes wide, mind going numb as I continued to watch as things got more and more fucked up. A person with a strong constitution, is needed, or no feelings or you actually enjoy such things is needed to watch in all of its glory, it's all in the eye of the beholder anyways. Nothing is more real for this movie if you actually watch with an unbiased and unjaded mind and just watch until it ends. I don't watch such movies often, to tell you the truth I have a slight obsession with the found film genre and I guess I saw this on someones horror list and decided to watch it.

After rethinking it my head though, I could say that it wasn't really that bad, the film itself is mediocre, the music score is okay, the acting is amazing, but the acts depicted, I guess is what makes most people look away. The idea of it all, the very thought and depiction is what can really get you in the end. Simply because most sane, normal, everyday 8 to 5, wake up and work people, don't usually think about these sorts of things. They live a boring life, eat, sleep work, maybe hang out with friends, spend time with the family, or pet, or go hiking or paint planes..

The few that actually write, think, breathe, the very thought of killing another person, abusing them in new ways is not normal, boring, or sane. We that think about that which is taboo are looked down upon, we that want to learn more that is not truly sanctioned are refrained and told to do what everyone else does! Now, I'm not saying hey, making a man or women your sex slave is right, or sacrificing your virgin daughter or cat is either, you're fucked up too, and should be slapped silly. But art is seen to all, art is very controversial, 50 shades of Grey is a form of art, but it's also a fucked up fanfiction of the Twilight series, and the men and women that watch this should remember that even the actors hated it.

That's all I have to say, I didn't mean to ramble on like I do sometimes, but to share my opinion among hundreds as to why messed up things happen every single day. I hope that you have a great day, evening or night, and that you are over the legal age if you do decide to see such controversial movies such as A Serbian Film. -Stray.

I Don't Feel Anything Anymore Pt. 2

My mother once told me that I was once a blessing, it was during a time that I had started to mentally question the life around me. Nothing very serious as much as a six year old could, but death was a constant reminder. In movies, seeing the neighborhood dog get hit with the van when I was playing in the front yard. Years later, my mother then told me that I was a whore. Simply because I wanted to explore past the confines of what society told me was the right way to behave and think.

   "Please, please, please, please..." The woman's voice getting choked up as I finished tying her up against the wall. Her clothes torn and bloodied, scratch and bite marks showing where I had my fun. I smiled as my eyes met hers, her fear just as much an adrenaline rush as sex was with someone you never met before. The taste, the sensation of skin against skin, the different smells, the sounds as the chorus all blended together to form a song.

    Most people only assume that things are only of the natural, that science can explain everything to them. So foolish, so blind, so deaf to the real music around them that I, even as a priest were secretly enraged at the flock that I had been put in charge of. I didn't look away from her eyes, knowing that she would make a wonderful soprano for my second act.

    I didn't care what she was doing on this night, I did rescue her from being cornered by the dead, and in my blood lust I managed to graze her left cheek. It marred a dirty but pretty face, I just needed to add more alterations to make her even more beautiful. Life was worth more this way, surviving was boring, dull, plain, we all needed to spice some things up every once and awhile. If only my mother could see me now, the whore, the bastard child she had with my father when she was younger. As if she never made any mistakes in her life, it was as if she saw him in me every single time my actions and mannerisms were something life his.

   Putting my knife away I walked forward to the crying, blubbering woman and kissed her navel tenderly. Making her cry even more, the prey always seem to know that once caught it is futile to try and resist. Wrapping my arms around her waist I began to tenderly bite her soft flesh, licking it, kissing it, enjoying the scent of her slight feared arousal as I did. The ropes keeping her arms and legs against the wall made things easier as I began to bite through her, making her scream in ever lasting harmony. My muzzle being dipped in her blood, I stepped back and watched as she continued to scream the symphony to my opera.

   I smiled as I licked her life essence slowly, sensually, becoming one with her, feeling as if she and I had become one in some sense of romantic context. Not staying long as I knew the noises and smell of her would drive them to this place. Turning my back to her as she pleaded for mercy, I was out the door and down the block, striding as the rush of keeping her alive only to have her be killed by the very things she feared made me giggle. Was I really the whore now mother? If only you could see what I was doing now, I was never your little blessing was I!?

   Her screams soon became silent as I was far enough away to not draw any real attention toward my presence. With the night sky slowly becoming lighter, I knew I had to go back, the day wasn't as interesting a playground, and the humans hunted more in packs. An hour later and I was a block away from the Winchester, when I noticed two human males smoking and looking nervously around. Waiting for something or someone, I decided to end my hunting spree in a high note, I dropped from the low hanging roof where I was hidden from their site and grinned.

"Shit!" "The fuck!" One said after another, both pulling out only pistols of various makes and models. "Hello boys, you seem like you don't know how to meet a girl properly." I said softly, holding out my hands to show them that I wasn't immediately armed. One looked at the other and grinned, before looking back at me. "So whats a freak like you doing around here?" "Looking for some fun with a couple of guys, my persona was hidden in the dark away from the brightening sky, making sure they couldn't see what I had been doing just yet.

    "Oh ya, well baby today's your lucky day." Taking off my coat I motioned for him to come to me, he hesitantly did so, and I kissed him deeply as his buddy came up behind me. Taking my hand to rub against the pressing bulge in his pants. Our tongues began to roll around each other, making him groan in delight and pleasure as I rubbed my hips against his. They weren't the perfect duo, but all songs must have an ending, as must all life. As the two men began to tear at my clothes, I closed my eyes, pretending to enjoy their hands on me.

   Leading his tongue into my mouth, I moaned softly and bit down hard, his tongue severing in two, and swallowing it. His eyes wide in shock and terror, his partner looked at me for a split second longer then was necessary and got a kick in the stomach to give me some time. Turning around to my tongue man, I swatted the pistol away and kissed him again, his blood staining the front of my shirt as I reached to his eyes. My thumbs scooping out his eyes as he screamed in agony, his loss of blood and shock made his attempt to resist me even more comical.

    He soon stopped moving and I turned around, this man had pissed his pants, he was blubbering as my eyes caught his. Tears rushing down his cheeks as he aimed his pistol at the middle of my chest, and screamed as he fired again and again, wasting all three bullets that he had as I winced in pain as my arm had been grazed from ducking at the last millisecond to the left. "Nice shot." I said softly as I kicked the gun away from his weak grip and pinned him against the ground.

    "What are you?" He managed at last, his musk odor bathing me as I leaned closer to his ear, whispering gently. "Just someone passing by." I pulled back as I reached over and grabbed his pistol, and started bludgeoning him with the handle of the weapon. Breathing heavily as I did, the last sounds of his gurgling made for soft ending to my opera, my song, my enjoyment.

    And just like that, as I was bathed in the morning light, my body a shining example for this world to see, I could imagine my mother looking at me, smiling, proud of her blessing in disguise to show all the power that she saw in me. Laughing gently I got up off of the corpse and grabbed my jacket, walking slowly toward the building that I knew would be empty, the people sleeping, and I could relax and rest, waiting again for another song to appear, to make humans my instruments, to show them that they had another purpose in life.

I Don't Feel Anything Anymore

  I wonder if the more one person knows about life, the darker they become? Is one lifetime enough for the humans that inhabit this diseased vessel of rock and flesh? Do the people that continue to live like rats still care about such things amidst the ruin and rubble of what was once, the pinnacle of human evolution?  Questions that even the most sought after theologists couldn't even come close to answering, not that it matters anymore. Anyone that still makes some sort of living is more concerned with being alive.

    Looking up from the dark spot in the bar, the glass bottle was empty, with only a trace of the former dark amber liquid remaining. My eyes roaming over the sparse occupants that were still remained together over the years. Friends that once were as close as a brother or sister, dead, missing, or simply left for something better, never to be heard from again. Stretching from the cramped position that had held me in my slight drunken state, the ground seemed steady enough to walk on.

   I was only a face in a million, on that was once, normal. The adventures that I had since the death of man, was not of the ordinary, nor did I ever stop to think about them since they happened. With the increased laziness however, my thoughts become one of thought, of pain, of death. Walking over to the opening of the stairs I felt a hand on my left shoulder. A quick sniff told me that it was of a friend that I both hated, and still somewhat liked. "You don't look so good Stray."

   "What makes you think that I care?" I asked without turning around, my back still to him. "I still care, you can't get rid of me that easily." The gentle rise of his voice told me that he was softly smiling. "I don't care Don. Careful with touching me though, I just might cut off that hand of yours and eat it." His hand quickly left my shoulder as I started walking up the stairs, not caring if I hurt his feelings or not. "Crazy psycho.." I heard him mutter as he turned and walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again. The Winchester was a place ran by the name of Warkeeper, a man that was as elusive as he was seen. Here and there for only a few days at a time before his business lead to some latest venture.

   A time before hell on earth had broken out, I would of never even thought of going to a bar, let alone one filled with the outcasts of society. A priest is what I was labeled, leading those who once cried out for the absolution of sins to the repentance and grace of God. Even then I could feel the hunger inside of me awaken at times, the hunger that was with me when I tried killing myself at the age of six. Raised in a normal family, with two little brothers and one sister, I was the one they all looked too, a fact that I did little to act upon.

   Opening the door on the thirty sixth floor, a smell of cinnamon, mint, and dried ruffles reached me. A familiar smell that I had started using to mask the odor of death, blood, and unwashed flesh. Stripping off my clothes I walked into the bathroom, the cracked mirror above the sink which allowed me to see my healing wounds. Ones that I had recently endured to feel that rush of exhilaration envelop my body, the screams of the damned as they fell before me was something that kept me somewhat sane.

   Turning on the water for the shower, I jumped in without a second to consider the coldness that wanted to numb me. Hot water was a luxury no one could afford anymore, not even a warmonger in this day and age. Wiping the grunge and sticky blood from my brown and white fur, I sighed as this body was one that I had not been born with. A popular thing when the internet was rampant, were the use of animals with human appearances. Furries, I think they were called, a few of the parishioners that had come to me for confession had told me of indulging in such manners.

   At the time, I had told them that exploration of what the world had to offer was not a sin, but allowing ones own self to accept what they found, was. Cupping my breasts in heated disgust, I could still remember the body of a normal man, a human that had the tendency for some good in his life. Once I felt the cold water numb me even further, I turned off the water and stepped out from the tub. A dirty towel quickly dried me off and I returned to the clothes that I had taken off. The smell of bodily fluids was ever present, and dirty clothes were better than clean ones.

   The eight by ten square foot room was more than enough for my needs, a bed, a small dresser, and a battered nightstand that held my need for drinking and smoking. Taking out a fresh pack that only had a few missing I took out the lighter from my pocket  and lite up. The brand had faded off of the box, but I no longer cared about the safety of my lungs, or the fact that I had hated smoking growing up. Walking back down the stairs, I could hear one of the still remaining women in the bar getting it on with a man. Not caring to hear the sounds of moans, heavy breathing, and sex, I continued down with stairs until I came to the main bar area.

   A few still remained while one or two were gone, Don himself cuddling his tail in a chair as I walked passed him. My eyes not meeting his as I did, "Where are you going?" I could hear the slight pain of emotions as I didn't stop to answer. "Out." It was the only time I could feel anything anymore, the soul, the heart, the mind can all be corrupted with the right ingredients. This apocalypse was only the mixing bowl, and the dullness of everything had only withered away with each passing day. The fast approaching night was beginning to swallow up the remaining light. This was when I felt the most alive, this was when I felt the most powerful, this was when I could hunt those who I sought, the damned, or humans remaining.

   As I walked down the street that was milling with the dead, a human walked out of an alley, his disheveled black hair and blue eyes met mine. A mixture of wonder and distaste swam through him, but approached my anyways. "S'cuse me miss, happen to have a few dollars to spare?" A beggar, the filth of those that were to lazy or weak to find strength on their own. His clothes were as filthy as mine, and his armor had been torn and stain.

   "Sure, but let's go inside." I replied, my heart starting to quicken a little. Once inside the building that had seen better days, I reached into my pocket, his eyes gleamed as he was ready for whatever I ready to give him. Pulling closer to him, my hand emerged with a small knife and plunged it into his stomach. This caused him to scream in both pain and horror, as I twisted the blade a few times he struggled to get away and fell on his back. Tears rolling down his face as he started to cough up blood. "You, you, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" He screamed as I then stomped on his chest, a loud snap told me that one of his ribs was now cracked. Crying even more, his screaming had stopped though.

   Leaning down I pinned his struggling body under mine, and smiled as I started grinding my hips against his. "Shhh, you don't want to ruin this for me, now do you?" Unable to reply, I took my knife and held it to his throat, right above his vocal cords. His eyes widening as I looked directly into them, this is what I lived for, the fear was intoxicating, kissing him on his bloodied lips I then spoke softly. "Thank you for tonight." With that I stabbed him into his chest, again, and again, and again, laughing with the pleasure that rolled through my veins.

   I didn't stop until I was slightly drenched in his blood, the corpse now under me was now just another unworthy plaything. Licking the knife and slightly cutting my tongue in the process I lifted my head and howled before getting off of it and making my way out the door. Tonight was just another night, the young full moon making things easier to see, this was when I felt everything, this was when life was worth living, and this was only another chapter of things to come.