Cracked Masks

In the world that we currently live in, we have standards that we put around us, such as who we socialize with, who we can and cannot talk to, our partners, our friends, our families..  Everyone we will ever know at one point in our life will have standards and opinions, decisions in life that lead them to where they are today.. Some of us want to break those standards, those idealizations about who can do what and who can't.. It's like, well if you don't what they're doing, don't worry about it, you don't know them.. Or, so what if they like doing this, you don't have to agree with them.. 

Tolerance is the issue that we in the world live with, if somebody does something, then we must, WE MUST tolerate what they are doing. Just so they don't have hard feelings later and they can feel included in the world of peace and love.. It's all just a masked that we put on our faces when we go out of the house, we all wear them, some are new while other are faded, cracked from the use.

 Where does tolerance end in our society as an whole? Will it ever end? Does that mean my opinion doesn't, shouldn't matter others? If it doesn't matter, does that mean I become rejected? And if I become rejected, does that mean I am silenced by the majority, or minority that wanted to do something about my opinion in the first place? 

Opinion is never fact, it's an idea, an assumption on how life is, or how we perceive something, some people have very strong opinions and that's okay.. But it's how we use them to beat other people over the head, especially we few that are tired of listening to whoever comes on and spouts out what they believe is right or wrong. It can be annoying, it can be degrading, it can inflict wounds that are deep or can be brushed right off. 

We few that see the world in such a chaotic state are discouraged, disheartened, and the feelings that are associated with them are never really sure where to stand. Should I stand here, should I stand there? What if I don't want to stand at all? What if I agree with both sides of the issue and just want them to stop bickering and fighting and just try to let them see that they are different but it doesn't have to boil down to bullying and name calling.. 

I have to deal with that every day that I talk to people, opinions on who does this better, who does that better, where do I stand with this issue or that issue. I'm done! I'm tired of all that just adding to the personal turmoils that I still deal with an a day to day basis. I'm not perfect, I'm not the best at one thing or another, all I want to be is not alone in this world. 

But the world wants opinions that are facts, ideals to be maintained, it's own laws on how to live amongst everyone and where to go in life.. What is a life that doesn't bring happiness and only pain exists because you are balancing and juggling so many things? For me, I juggle on where I should even step with people, feeling like if I make this one mistake I will be seen as a fake, they will see my mask and laugh at me for what I am going through. 

"Depression? Dude, just shake it off, it'll go away eventually."

But it hasn't.. 

"Really? Grow up already! Get with the program!"

But I keep trying.. 

"Crybaby! What, you just cry yourself to sleep every night?"

No, I'm afraid to fall asleep.. 

"Depression isn't real, it's all in your mind. Make a positive mindset and things will look up." 

Then why does it all keep falling down around me? 

"You're just faking it for attention." 

I wish it was just fake.. 

There are many masks in the world, and we all wear them, some more then others, and it doesn't matter with race, with size, with gender, with equality for all.. We are all different, we are all hurting in one way or another and we all lash out in one way or another! I don't want to lash out, I don't want to hurt those closest to me so I wear my mask! 

I wear with nothing else to back me up because inside I feel even more alone and afraid then I was before! I smile because I don't want to frown! I laugh so that I don't cry! I reach out because I don't want to be alone.. And the pain never seems to go away, ever. It lessens to a point, and when I think that maybe things are actually up, and I can allow myself to be happy, it comes back, stronger and more painful than before. And I don't know what to do about it.. So I write my thoughts here in hopes that someone sees them and can find solace that they aren't alone, that they aren't alone in their struggles to make sense of this life that they live, that if they just fight for as long as they can, the dark can possibly go away and the light at the end of the tunnel comes.. 

Please, please, please try not to give up like those before us who couldn't take it anymore, and had to end it all so that their demons could be silenced once and for all. It's hard, I know it is, and I feel just as lost as you, and I don't know what to either but to try and survive for one more day. If I can survive for one more day, then possibly it will all get better, if I can get past this darkness that is swallowing me alive, I can make it.. 

So fight, survive, do whatever you have to do in order to become a survivor and tell others what we go through, that we aren't faking it, that we fight every, single, damn day and cope by escaping into a world where we don't feel judged! Where we don't have to put on a mask and lie to those around us! Where we can just feel for once that we can make it before seeing the reality of our situations and end it all! We few that fake laughs so that we don't cry, smile so that we don't frown, and do whatever it takes so that we don't feel alone.. 

The edge looks close tonight, and I can hear the voices telling me to jump.. and all I can do is try and drown them out music, or a movie, or something so that I don't give up and surrender and say. "Yes.. I don't want to hurt anymore." And jump off, and smile knowing that it will all end and I won't suffer inside of this mask anymore.. 

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Semicolon

Depression is a horrible thing, it can lead to so many dark roads that many of us never want to stop, or feel that they have gone so deep into the darkness that they can't find their way back.. Everyone in the entire world has gone into depression at one point in their life, and it either ended up as they went through it, or they are still stuck in the darkness. I am still one of those people feeling like I am still in the darkness, even with friends around that encourage me, it gets so hard at times that I just want to end it all..

If you search on the internet long enough you can come across forums that tell people how exactly they can kill themselves with little to no pain.. Personally I've fantasized about jumping off a tall building, to just give into that small voice in the back of my head that tells me to let go of it all.. Sure, I would leave a mess, but the pain would stop, right? It would all go black, and all it would take is a small step off of some building and splat! Oh i'm sure that my family and friends would cry, my ex would spill tears as well.. But it wouldn't have been her fault that I decided to let go, sure she was my last anchor into the painful struggle of reality, but it would of been my choice..

Suicide, I'm told is never the answer, and I should know that to be true.. My adopted family would most likely be heartbroken as well as all I can show around outside of myself is a cracked smiling mask! I just want to take it off, and stomp on it! Crushing it into little pieces, until nothing remained and I could freely cry and just show who I really am.. For all I can see is that the bright future that I saw as a little boy has grown dim, and it keeps getting darker.. And the pain hurts so much at times that I want to just rip my heart out to make it stop.

We few that live in the darkness by choice, by pain, by memories that head our demons show humanity that we are weak and fragile beings. And the pressure is more then enough to drive us over, to make us jump, or to cut, or to burn, or to just finally go numb.. Humanity is flawed, and the hole inside of us that so many want to fill never gets any smaller. A fact that most of us choose to ignore, and a fact that some of us can't ignore..

Showing support to those with depression, suicide, and the like is a great action for the self.. But when was the last time you saw someone let their mask slip just enough to see the hurt underneath? Words and self actions can only get you so far until you face the harsh reality around you, and you are given a choice. Will I end it all here, to finally make the pain stop once and for all, or will I fight the pain, to hopefully see a brighter tomorrow?

If you have someone that understands what you are going through, never let them go for they may be the only line you have left in this life. They are the difference between life and death for us few that cannot see something brighter at the end of the tunnel.. We few whose courage and strength has been worn down throughout the years, enduring for so long that any fighting spirit is spent, any peace that we wanted has fled, and any happiness is eaten up when we go for our vice to help us cope.

Those around us will never be able to see the real us beneath our masks that we have for so long worn that we want to desperately believe that we are happy in where we are in life. Happiness for us is fleeting, but it feels so good that we want more, and we would do anything for that brief respite from our daily struggles. We few who cannot escape our demons, would do anything to make them go away..

I personally right now have been up for more then twenty four hours because I am afraid to sleep. An action that once brought me relief is gone, and the nightmares that haunt me when I there should never be allowed to torment others.. These demons are mine to endure, to fight, to try and survive, but for how much longer will I be able to last? Will I eventually give up and join those before me into never ending sleep, or push through it, crying and clawing and yelling the entire time until my true happiness comes to drive away my demons?

Right now, I don't know.. But it would be so much easier to take that step over the edge wouldn't it? No more pain, no more sorrow, no more having to pretend that I'm okay and that I want to die on the inside? I know my family would be saddened, but they would still be alive, and wouldn't have to worry about me anymore..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Depression is a Demon Pt. 2

For those suffering from depression, it can come any number of ways, any any sort of time, and it can stay as long as it wants. We can all just try to shake it off, run away, drown it out with pain, pleasure, numbness.. I once heard that depression has no victims, only volunteers, and I have to disagree with that. I don't volunteer to have my thoughts weigh me down, I don't volunteer to go back into the past and remember both the good and the bad memories, and I don't volunteer to yell at the heavens!

 I want none of that, I hate it! I hate those voices in my head that tell me that I'm not good enough, that tell me that I can't do anything right in my life! So I just charge forward, wanting to run away from it all! To make a better life for myself.. And I thought I was doing that..

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.. And I'm not proud of them, but the things that I shunned away, welcome me with open arms again. It's like they're saying, "We missed you! Don't worry, we won't ever go away! We will always be right here.." And it's true, our vices, our former escapes seem so much better now, and to be honest, it makes me feel better. Not because I'll look later at them again, despising what I did, but because I don't feel judged, I don't feel empty, I feel whole again, even if it is harmful and I know it's wrong..

I can see those welcoming arms, and I know that I shouldn't go back there, that I can't go back there.. But there they are, knowing that I won't be able to resist again for much longer.. And I yell at God! "Where are you when I need you the most! Why don't you tell me that everything is going to be okay! I need more then your word! I need you!" And I don't feel like I get anything back, only silence, only the same voices in my head telling me that I'm worthless, that I'll never have a family, that I'll never be able to fall in love and expect it to last..

I just.. I really need to be okay.. Nothing would be better if I was okay, right? This pain is what tells me that I am still alive, but for how much longer? I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting, to only curl up into my shell, and cry, and push everyone away again.. To build walls around my heart that will need to be broken down again? Because right now, I feel defenseless, I feel ashamed, and I feel overwhelmed.. "WHERE ARE YOU OH LORD! WHY DO YOU TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM ME!? WHY DO YOU LET MY ENEMIES SURROUND ME TO SPIT AND JEER AT MY BROKENNESS!? Please.. make it all go away.."

To be depressed, is to be broken, to be in constant pain that will never go away, to always feel like you are on the outside and everybody points at you.. "Hey! Isn't it that guy who doesn't tolerate gay marriage? That's why his girlfriend left him again, what a pansy! What a wuss! He's so worthless, I'm glad that he was thrown away like trash!"

Am I really trash? I.. I don't think I am..

"Worthless!"

Am I really worthless?

"Pathetic!"

But I try so hard..

"Loser!"

Please stop..

"Baby!"

Please stop.

"Faggot!"

Please stop!

"Justin, you are a whore.."

Please stop!!

PLEASE STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I WANT THIS TO ALL JUST STOP! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I TRIED? PLEASE! ANYONE! TELL ME THAT I CAN DO SOMETHING! THAT I'M NOT TRASH! THAT I'M NOT WORTHLESS! THAT I'M NOT SOMEONE THAT CAN BE THROWN AWAY! PLEASE DON'T IGNORE ME!

Please..?

My tears won't stop falling..

My pain keeps numbing..

My mask is cracking, I'm going to need another one..

The ceiling is different again..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Depression is a Demon

Life isn't always fair, to put that into perspective, can you consider looking around at how the world is today? People claiming that they aren't treated fair when they themselves don't always treat others the way they want to be treated? Now there are some, don't get me wrong, but what is the thought that goes through so many minds? Is it the right to be accepted into a world, by peers, by friends and family that drive them to do so many things? Is it regret, disgrace, pain.. Death? We all walk paths that seemingly go anywhere before us, and never seem to stop, the distance always showing us how little or how much we walk. We can someone beside us, or continue to walk alone, howling in rage, in disgust, in pain..

I'm currently still on my path where so many before me seem to have fallen off, and where so many before me will someday stand at the exact spot where I once stood.. My path is still on a mountain, it's cold, it's hard, and the one person I thought I could trust, the one person whom I thought always knew what I was going through couldn't do it anymore. So she left to go somewhere else, and once again, I am alone. Alone in turmoil, in this small bit of rocky shelter that I found on this rocky path is the only thing keeping me from looking over the edge and wanting to throw myself off.. And the demons that keep my company just seem to laugh at my misery, at my pain, at my loneliness..

I have always been afraid of one thing, and one thing only, being alone. It's not really spiders or heights, or seeing and feeling in my dreams of being torn apart slowly each time I close my eyes.. But being alone by myself, and no one seems to get that! It's like they don't know what to do when faced with my demons and just throw me away so that I don't affect them, like it's some sort of disease! The feelings of pain and despair just seemingly grow more and more inside me, and I don't want to acknowledge it! And I just numb myself by internet, by friends, by games, by looking towards God who in His ever knowing grace and wisdom has let me be born with genes and a possible disease that will slowly kill me! Thinking about such things is never fruitful, but at the end of the day, I am all alone. Sitting in front of my desk staring at the screen, afraid to fall asleep and wake up to another day where I am still alive, alone, and wanting to just make it all go away!

Please, please, just make it all go away, I don't want to see them anymore! Can't you see the chains that hold me down!? The voices that always seem to edge me further toward the edge that I can never come back from? And I tell myself, and others, that it's going to be okay! It has to be, okay! Because if it isn't then what good is knowing that in the end that I am going to be alone, trapped forever on this journey with no end to it.. It has to be okay! I can't give up, because if I do.. Then what good am I as a human being? What kind of example would I have given to my younger brothers if I go off into the abyss? It has to be okay! It has to be okay! IT HAS TO BE OKAY! Right!? Right? It has to be okay....                                                               I WANT TO STAY ALIVE!

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Old Post

(This was intended as my original post before moving to my new place. I never got around to finishing it. And I guess today was just the day to finish it. So enjoy.)

"Samus you have everything packed yet?" The A.I. looked around at the messy room that had been hers to have since she had been created. "No.." Stray peaked his head in and raised an eyebrow with a confused expression "Why not?" She looked down and then looked away pursing her lips as her face grew hot.
"Because I don't want to move."
"Doesn't matter, we have to."
"Hmph! Just because you had to go and say those things-"
"It wasn't my fault!" Crossing his arms over his chest he glared at her before looking down at the  floor.
"I'm sorry, but we just have to make things work, we have a friend willing to take us in for awhile." "But.."
"Look, I'm sorry that we have to move, we had a great thing going, but with no job at the moment we have to take whatever comes our way, right?"
"If you say so.."

Sighing Stray went off to pack off more the living room before yelling out, his computer locked and not accepting his password. He called out again, not wanting to be mad at her but not really liking her mischievous behavior that she had developed on her own.

"Samus!" 

"Yes!?"

 "What did you do to my computer!?"

She smiled before quickly going back to packing her meager possessions, not daring to remind him that she was an A.I. and could basically do whatever she wanted to his computer. Besides simply locking him out, she had also replaced his password after finding out some less than wonderful material on a small part of his hard drive. Due to the fact that is was mostly about the girl that she had been modeled after, it didn't fill her with confidence about his intentions if he ever got the idea to do anything to her. "It's what you deserve." She said to herself as she folded her clothes and put them into one of the boxes that was marked with her name.

Smacking the laptop once more before powering it down, he slumped in the chair while looking toward the ceiling. Later that night he was going to be looking at an unfamiliar ceiling again, nothing made much sense in his life anymore. He had some money but it wouldn't last, and he wasn't sure how long the graciousness of his friends would last, one month, two? If that lasted longer, than certainly things would look up for him, hopefully find a better job then he had right now. It was great for the small things such as food and keeping Samus maintained, but being forced to move when he felt at home? Not that he wasn't grateful, but he always longed for a more permanent home, a place to call out, "I'm home!" And someone would be there to greet him, Samus maintained the link between sanity and insanity for now, but with her entering a 'teenage' stage of her development it didn't give him much confidence that he could remain him.

It was always the darkness that scared him, being alone without anyone around, knowing that no one wanted him that haunted him in every hour. Could that knock be from the landlord, kicking him out? Or could it be from the one he always saw in his dreams? The little girl that laughed and giggled and pointed at him as he was mutilated in different ways? Was that why sleep was so hard to come by these days, or was it the stress? "Too many questions, not enough answers." Stray muttered to himself as he finished packing his meager possessions away. Once the truck got here, he would put most of the stuff in the storage, and then go to the apartment where his friends were waiting for him to arrive. "Come on Samus." He called out to her, as he opened the door for one last time, and stepped outside, to an unknown future, to an unknown fate, to death herself if she wanted him so bad, but for now, it was just a step, a step to the uncertain..