Courage

Today is another day, one filled with sadness and happiness, with life and death with the abundance of emotions that range from despair to pure joy, what do we continue to fight for? What is the main reason that we continue to get up in the morning? Is it for work? Is it for a family, an apartment? Knowing that each time you get up your day will never be without ups and downs, that life will sometimes look at you and say.

"No.. you haven't had enough yet, let's make you lose your job due to cuts in the company. After that you will search for work and not find it because at the age of eighteen you decided that steal would be fun. And that's going to follow you for a long time. Not because you straightened up your act afterwords, but because when someone looks at you, all they can think of is, thief. You will be branded a thief for the rest of your life, wherever you go for employment, no one willing to look at you because of that.."

"And because you won't have a job you'll lose your apartment, and go to a shelter. But because of time limits you will be forced to truly live on the streets, begging, shivering under the night sky as the temperature dips below thirty degrees every night.. And people will just look at you and think, what a bum. He refuses to get a job, what a piece of trash that we have to look at.. So yes, here is your piece of the pie, you're welcome."

 As I've heard before, we do not choose to become victims, only volunteers.. Where does the volunteering part come from? It certainly isn't when depression comes my way, it's not when I lose someone close to me, not from loosing a job, becoming homeless or feeling like each day is a climb up the steepest mountain. Where does being the volunteer come from when life and man decide to step on those that are trying so hard to get away from the problems that surround them each and everyday? If so, show me. Please do. I know it's not for lack of trying to get past each and everyday, of seeing others go forward and you feel like you are at a standstill, slowly sliding backwards..

We are all victims in one way or another, we have never volunteered for the life that continually shows us that no matter where we go, no matter how hard we try, how hard we fight, it feels like nothing matters.. We few that want it all to end, don't want our lives to truly end, but to make the pain that we experience every single day to stop. We want to stop cutting, to stop drinking, to stop seeing our masks crumble each time we have to say that we are happy, that we are okay, that things are going well.. Each lie that we tell those around us make our shoulders sag just a little more, our tears a little more bitter, our hearts a little heavier..

It's a life that we live with continually, battling just to survive until we can get back into our beds and shut away everything that happened. That job you were hoping to get, sorry, you messed up. That marriage that you tried for so hard to keep together, sorry, you messed up. The family you wanted so dearly, sorry, you messed up. We are always told we can't have something because, sorry, you messed up. Stealing is wrong, therefore, no job in the future when you want one, sorry, you messed up. Not giving your spouse the time when you come home after work, or constantly drinking, or maybe you decided to play patty cake with someone else behind their back is on you. Even after you quit, and tried to hard to show them that you changed, sorry. No forgiveness here, you messed up.

The family that you wanted so much, your body is unable to reproduce, or your body was unable to handle the pregnancy, your husband or wife isn't interested because something else is too important to them. When you went to adopt you were turned down because you don't either make enough, or too much, the baby or small toddler who smiled at you and melted your heart, you can't adopt them now. Sorry, you messed up.

Why do we as human beings decide to get up everyday? Is it because that we somehow find the courage deep inside of us to move forward? Where does this courage come from? I don't really know, it's hard to figure out why I haven't tried to commit suicide again after becoming homeless the first time. Or not take those last few pills that I know would forever let me sleep and never wake up.. I'm currently still alive, wanting this to all end, fighting against what I see in my own way and hating humanity for its problems with one another, for their greed, and selfishness, and all of that coming back and affecting me. I have made my own share of mistakes, but I keep trying for some reason that I don't know yet.. Is it because of my dream to have a job, a house, a family that constantly gets stepped on? Even when I am told, sorry, you messed up.

This fragile life that we as humans have, is it the courage inside of us that makes us go forward with a heavy sigh and say, "Maybe today will be different.." For all I know is that this courage that I have is slowly waning away into nothingness, soon I won't be able to get up in the morning, to fight, to survive. I'll be drowning even more, and this time, no one will be able to save me, that is when my worst fear will come alive.. To be alone.. And I dread when that day will come, when I look in the mirror, and see that my mask it so cracked that I won't be able to hide behind it anymore..

"Maybe today will be different.."

Are you sure?

"But, it's a new day.."

But you're still alone.

"I have people around me that care about me.."

Then where are they?

"I.. Their busy.."

Too busy to come and help right?

"But tomorrow they'll come.. Right?"

They weren't there yesterday, they weren't here today..

"They won't be there tomorrow?"

They don't care about you anymore.

"But.. They said I was their friend."

Then where are they?

"I.."

You should just let it all go.

"It's hard getting up in the morning now."

What if you never had to wake up again?

"That would be nice.."

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2