Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Pain is necessary

If I could go back to my younger self, I would tell him of all the mistakes that he would make, of all the heart breaks, all the misguided anger, all the sadness, and depression that would take over his life. And let him know, that all the pain, all of the emotional and sometimes physical damage he would take would be apart of him even as he strived for something that would always seem to be beyond his grasp. For as long as I could ever remember, all I wanted was to reach out to people in some way, to be the one person that everyone could go to, to keep the secrets and share the advice that I had no idea I could give to help..

And yet, with all of the pain that I grew up with, the mental torture of my psyche, the cutting, the attempted suicides, still I am here. It's has given me a chance to reach out to even more people, to show them that they are still beautiful, that they still matter, and even if they feel like the whole world is against them, but how could I still say that everything is going to be okay, when I feel like it would be lying? No, not everything is going to be okay, things are going to suck, they are going to hurt like hell, and you are going to feel numb to the pain as you try everything to drive it off. Drinking, smoking, cutting, sex, throwing up so that you don't feel fat, sleeping far longer than you should just to avoid the world and what it throws at you, the list goes on..

We live in a very messed up society, some would argue that we are moving forward in our social standings, that we are being very progressive in allowing those that would love differently, others would disagree, saying that we are destroying the very fabric by allowing such acts to continue without limitations. And all I can hear is noise, and bickering, hatred, and the cries of those caught in the middle, those that just want to be left alone, to not be seen as different, but the same as everyone else. And because I know how much of a bleeding heart I am, I reach out to those I can, and I get hurt afterwards..

In April, I got married to my ex, Kristin, she had been really bugging me, saying that she wanted a child, and that she wanted to be with me, and get married, the whole nine yards. So! This being after my breakup with Liana, came up with the ingenious idea to agree, not really to the married part, but the baby making part. I knew after agreeing that I couldn't take it back without her mom getting into the mix, again, and telling me how much of a fuck I would be, again, for lying to her daughter, who should have her own job, her own place, and not living with mommy and her meth addicted dad..

Breathe.. So, I didn't tell anyone, just an adventure for me and me alone, to see the one woman that I had known for over five years.. We clicked, again, talked, spent a shit-ton of money on her and her family, did the hubba hubba a few times, and you know when you get those emotional highs after finally getting to be physical, and to actually touch another human being? No? Well, just keep with me, anyways, I proposed, she accepted, dropped a huge bombshell on my family, my mom was speechless, as she had a right to be, and that was my final mistake with trusting her one more time.. We got married less than twenty-four hours later, and I left the next day after cleaning up the pig-sty of a room which she kept saying not too.. Seriously, how can you live in a rotting trailer, with two pit bulls that need to be outside, not cooped up in a small room, and expect to not have to clean?

So, I realized my mistake and tried to talk to my significant other about it, although I was wrong in the way I went about it, she was a trooper for the first two months.. After that, he just stopped really talking, no big shocker as that would happen, and after that, just this month.. Our arguments started ramping up, she refusing to move, again, and me not taking that shit, as I kept giving her positive reasons to move, I have benefits, I had a place, (Currently looking for a new place), transportation was readily available, and I would find a place for her pit bull Oreo with a yard.. Not good enough. Fine, so one day, she says that she's talking to one of her ex's, and I blew back a "Great." She asked what was wrong, and I responded with that I didn't want her talking to her. (Yes, she's bi, and one of her ex's was a girl.) I didn't bring up the fact that her and another friend (Girl, again) were talking like a married couple, which I just shrugged off as what girls do? I don't know.. Anyways, she say's that she's not going to change, that she'll basically talk to whoever she wants, and that was when, it became apparent, again, that we couldn't do this, again.

So, the feelings mutual, we agreed that we had gotten married at a bad time, and that she wanted to divorce, even as I came back with saying that shouldn't be an option.. Apparently it was, she said goodbye, and after that I cried heavily for having my fucking heart torn, again!(Good grief, it's like I'm writing a damn soap opera.) The next day I asked her, if that was what she really wanted, she was adamant that is what she wanted, that I could send the divorce papers, and she would sign them, or we could stay married but separated.. Which as I write this, I'm looking at the papers, and getting ready to go the courthouse at which I broke down in front of the clerk for, and trying, but failing to not cry.. Because even though I was an ass, and felt that I had made a mistake, I feel that in the end, I was at fault for not being the caring husband I could be, and feel like a failure, with no one really to hold my hand, I've become more open and honest with my parents, and actually been greeted with open arms, and a shoulder to cry on.. And for the life of me, I can't really remember why I started resenting them in the first place..

And I don't know if Kristin ever does read these, or if my parents do, or if any of my friends.. But to me, this is a site I know I can go to. To write down my frustrations, my anger, my sadness and my other unusual oddities, that keep me awake at night. To feel that I am leaving a piece of my soul bared to the public, to be judged or be seen as the weird guy that has a furry persona because I love animals so much. But honestly, it's also here for those that don't have anyone to really talk to, or that no one understands the pain they are going through, that they are drowning and no one is reaching out to them.. But I do see you, I see that broken heart, and that cracked mask that hides the real you from the fake, the fake that puts on a show to let others know that they are okay, as they go home and break down from the hollowness that they feel everyday. I am just one guy, but I am here to talk to if you ever need someone to listen, to give you a hug, even if it's a virtual one, and to show that pain sucks, but if you decide to go forward, it can help you, even a little.


Sunday, April 16, 2017

Endless Drifter

It's been a long time since I've returned to this blog, almost a whole year. An entire year of going through ups and downs without writing about them. I was contacted a few days ago by another user that had recently read some of these old posts and wanted to talk. Unfortunately I fell asleep and they probably think I'm ignoring them for some reason. Most likely because I really don't want to talk about most things, it just really turns into small talk, and it feels awkward to me. Looking back at some of my earlier posts I teared up. Not that I was remembering writing them, but more about the fact that I'm still in the same emotionless place I was when writing them. 

My depression has worsened, it really has, I even got to the point of cutting myself just to see if I still felt any pain. To see if the world I was still living in was more of a waster of time then I had ever foreseen. It still is, I really hate people more then ever, their selfish, crappy way of living with no one really giving a shit anymore. Oh sure, there are people who are trying to fight for "the right thing" but no one really knows what "the right thing" is anymore expect a bunch of truth from their opinionated rants from watching little to no real fact. And I can go into more and more of that, but it would be more of my opinions based off of my observations and no one really wants that anymore..

Good fact though, I'm two months clean from cutting, so that's a plus for me.. I guess. I'm getting back together with Kristin for reasons that she wants to have my kid and Liana didn't want to be together anymore.. She was too afraid of her parents and did what they wanted her to do. Even though she's an adult.. I guess I will never really understand wanting to appease to parental figures that don't give a rats ass about anything but what they want for their kids. Oh, you want to study other languages, and be an airplane stewardess? Well too fuckin bad kiddo, you're going to study what we want you too and if you don't we're going to take away our love from you. I mean seriously, who the fuck does that to their children!? I mean who!? 

Kids that grew up into adults and found out that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. That living in Hawaii of all places is to damn hard to do. And move to bum fuck Nevada, and where in Nevada? Let's go to Las Vegas and live there where we they have to take out loans to live, not make enough to survive and make our kids get jobs to pay us to actually do anything! FUCK! 

I've been getting angrier and angrier about the stupidity of people, sure let's all go to fuckin convenience stores and spend all our money on booze, smokes, and scratch cards, we'll spend more and more on things that aren't going to give us anything useful, like actual food. No. Instead let's waste all of our damn hard earned money and make the clerk waste time on what we want. Why yes, I waited ten minutes in line because some jackass at the damn counter wanted specific lottery tickets, different odd or even numbers, and wasted at least $60 fuckin dollars on shit you're only banking on to be a rich motherfucker! 


And then, when the anger goes down, I cry, I cry so hard about the lack of care about other human beings and caring more about the pleasures of flesh and the desire for such stupid dreams of grandeur. About not caring about if they could afford bills, or even pay for food... My heart aches for the deceit that they put in front of them so much that I actually get angry at them. Does that make any sense? Does it? Because I sure as hell don't. I don't see why I care about other damn people that are ruining themselves for just things that aren't going to help in the long run.

Do I drink? Yes, but not much, and just enough to help me sleep due to my insomnia. Do I smoke? Yes, and that's just a decision I made about the stress in my life, it was either that or be a mindless mess that just decided to kill himself out of the sheer life choices that I face as a human being every day. So does that help me in the long run? It does for me, but I don't see that for a lot of other people. They do it out of addiction, or boredom. Not that it helps, it's just another way to pass the time or try to remember what they are doing everyday that makes them move forward. 

I'm not ranting and raving I guess, I just, I guess I'll be writing more now? I don't know, I guess it will help me with my thoughts again. 


Monday, May 2, 2016

What people feel like inside at times.

I know that I haven't done a whole lot since I got a new job, trying to stay afloat in my finances, relationships, as well as general life.. I'm sorry.. But the middle two pictures are what I'm feeling the most these days.. My mask is broken, my demons are playing in my mind, and I can't remember to sleep.. I just want to get through this one day without breaking down one day. That's all I ask.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015


For those wondering if I've actually chosen suicide, let this post put any of those thoughts to rest. I have not stopped fighting to beat back the darkness that has only recently lifted to reveal a growing love and anger. First of all, when things go wrong, who is there to make them right?  When we feel all alone, who do we turn to to help? Our friends? They are people that we have accepted into our lives, but only to a certain extent. Family? People that we either love or hate or no longer want to associate with them due to the fact that something happened. Lovers? We have chosen them to be apart of our life, but again, if they want everything on the table, how are you to say, "I have depression, I only smile at my job because I have to, I talk to people because they talk to me first.. I have two genetic diseases that are trying to kill me everyday.." And they can say, "I will be there for you." Or.. "I'm not willing to down this road with you anymore."

What then for those of us that have the ones that we feel that we can trust to tell them of what is bothering us? They are then drawn into the dark road that we travel, and to me personally, I feel guilty. And the burden of guilt grows because I feel that whatever happens, it will be my fault. And my depression worsens, and I yell and I cry out and I try to banish my demons because I don't want to hurt the ones I love.. And it hurts so much when that eventually happens and you don't know how to really say, "I'm sorry.. I really, truly am sorry.." And the guilt, the shame, the sadness, the pain, it just grows until the sun that was there, the sunshine of hope is covered by the storm of despair that engulfs me fully. And I wear my ever growing cracked mask that crumbles a little more every day, that shows that inside I'm crying and begging to be free of this mental prison that I can never be free from..

In a earlier post I was talking about not wanting to hurt this girl that I was finding myself falling in love with, and I was afraid it was only because of what she has emotionally.. Thankfully it wasn't like Kristin where everyday was something more that I had to give to make her happy, she even told me that she thought earlier in our relationship wasn't going to last, or that it was some kind of trap where I would abuse her like in her earlier relationships.. But she said that she loves my flaws, because I don't have to pretend to be strong, and she removed her cracked mask for me, and what I saw was someone who gave so willingly that she had been hurt like I had been.. Liana, if you ever find this, I'm sorry for not asking for permission earlier to tell this, but please understand that I am truly in love with you. Thank you for encouraging me to look forward to the future and not look toward the past, you truly are my Sunshine, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you.

Now, I also said that I was feeling anger, a feeling that while in my younger days I would enjoy, and had even let it rule my life which led me to being kicked out when I was eighteen.. For the past month or so, I've been noticing it more and more, and I thought, 'It's just me being tired from being homeless.' But after examining what's been going on I think I have the answer. My anger has always been something that I can rely on when I felt that the world was being crazy, and that I couldn't trust anyone, even my own family and friends. Unfortunately, I had become to dependant and it's only been in the last two years that I have let go of my anger and try to be happy and be the one that people can come to when they want to talk about something, to be a mellow guy and let go of the days events and retreat into my sleep to take on the world tomorrow.

But several things have been happening recently that I have noticed that is starting to let me be angry, shorter hours at work. This means less money, which even though I'm getting about $300 or so a month.. -Takes out a calculator and does some calculations.- So at 12 hrs a week, at minimum wage in Arizona is $8.05 an hour is $96.06 a week, times two is $193.20 which if you multiply at 15% is.. $28.98 or so taken away, so $193.20 minus $28.98 is $164.22 net pay every two weeks, times two and every month I get a grand total of $328.44.

Now, sorry about the math, but the room that I am looking at is $350 a month, which if I did my calculations correct I will be $21.56 short every month for rent. Now an extra four hours a week would do wonders to help make sure I have rent money, but not leave me anything else such as food or other things. Now with this amount of money, I wouldn't be even able to get a month bus pass which is $34 a month, which tallies up my cost to $384 a month that I would need to have transportation and rent money alone. And I now have a girlfriend that I want to get little gifts for her and eventually have her come down to where I am.. I am crying out for help and I feel left alone, because I know everyone has issues and that even though I'm still homeless, living at a Mission where being told what to do, what to eat, and how to live is starting to take its toll on me.. I guess my mom was right when she told me that little things always add up..

And of course I fight for more hours, and I fight to make sure that I will not give up, but my anger is building up, my patience is going down and I feel like I am at a crossroads where if I do not make the correct choice everything that I've been working toward for the past seven years will land me smack dab in the beginning where nothing I do matters and I lose everything.. And I hate it! I hate the feeling that my choices doesn't matter! That everything I work towards falls to pieces at the last second because some prick is having a bad day and wants to take it out on me! I hold back so much, because I can't afford to lose myself to my feelings that I battle for control over time and time again..

I'm sorry that this turned into whining, but it's just what I'm going through recently, and that hopefully no matter what is going on in your life, you can make the right decision for you and your loved ones. May the path you travel on be smooth every once and awhile, where the sun shines brightly for you, and your demons remain quiet longer. -Stray.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

It's Raining Outside

It's raining outside and all I can think about is the one promise that I made to my ex when we were still together. I miss her at times, but does that mean that the stances I made were out of line? She told me I had changed, and that she didn't want to be with someone like that.. And I have to say I have changed, I'm less outgoing then I use to be, I no longer smile as much as I use to, and my stances on how I see the degradation of society has gotten stronger. I must say that I think I was living in a fairy tale with her, I was either too sweet or too friendly or too forward for her in some way or another..

I can say that during the four years that I chased after her, she hasn't once decided to chase after me, it was me trying to persuade her to stay with me when someone else came along, it was me trying to show how much I loved her.. And eventually it just got to a point where I was getting tired of giving all the time, sure she would say she love me, but would get mad or scared or pouty if I didn't answer her texts, or call after a certain time.. I think my problem is that I try to help those that I see as broken in some way and after awhile I start falling in love with them, trying to give them the love I see that they need so desperately at times. I think I was never actually in love with her, but the brokenness I saw in her if that makes any sense..

I'm not some white knight that goes around saying, "I can save you!" I have feelings, I have my own desires and tastes, but when I see someone that is broken inside like me, I feel drawn and attracted to that in some way that I really can't seem to understand.. It's like I was saying when I can emphasize with pretty much everyone I get to know.. I don't know how to stop doing what I do, I don't know how to stop myself from falling in love with these women that have been thrown away, rejected, stamped on, and I all I can give is my heart to be used instead of theirs. When I try to build up their self-esteem I tell them what they should of been told their entire lives, that they are loved, that they are full of worth, that they are strong, and smart and beautiful.

The society around us idolizes the thin form and shape of the human body, due to this, we have men and women acting certain ways in order to appear beautiful and pretty. For some it's a habit, a ritual, performing just for the sake of the audience that they know is watching. And the mask they keep on degrades more and more over time until they have a mental breakdown, which is why people suddenly seem to snap and do all sorts of crazy things. The mask they have is gone, and the mind can't handle it anymore, and society laughs, judges, and gossips all to make themselves feel better in some way or another. Sure, I may have my stance on certain subjects, but that doesn't mean anyone else that disagrees I love any less, it just means I love them more and want to try and let them see where I am coming from. Do I want them to change their stance? No. I want to show them both sides of the argument and let them decide.

My ex said that she couldn't do that, that her lifestyle, her choices in life were not up for talking about, even with me. So currently I'm alone, single, and talking to a girl that calls me Onii-chan.. She has problems with life and doesn't feel like she has any worth.. And what am I doing? I tell her that she is full of worth, that she is a princess, she is smart and pretty, and can do anything she sets her mind too.. And I am falling in love with her, even though were not related by blood or relations, I am falling in love with a girl I call Imoto.. little sister..  And I can just see myself being hurt or hurting her in some way and I am trying to avoid that so hard.. But I don't know what to do again... So if anyone can give me advice in some way in order to stop this cycle of self-abuse, can you let me know? Please?

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Monday, August 24, 2015


In a small northern city, smoke rises in billows, men and creatures lay dead in pools of blood, and the dead and dying see nothing but bleakness as the cheers, everything that they had fought for was destroyed in hours. Men were slain, women and children raped and killed or taken as prisoners for slavery and trophies of conquest. This is where one man cursed the heavens, but only in mind alone, for his very arm had been sliced off when he faced off against one of the generals that had lead the siege on his very city. 

He had been a hero of world renown, but even now he could feel his breath draw close, his very body feeling colder with every passing second, his vision becoming blurry. If only he had one chance to change the battle, to have won against the general, more lives would have been saved, his family.. His wife.. What had become of her..? His body shuddered as he tried reaching up with his remaining arm, "Marinna.." With his last breath, he become limp, a once proud man who fought bravely against the disease of evil that had wanted to spread was now just another slain body.. His arm fell across his chest, his eyes staring vacantly into the twilight sky.. 

There was light still, was there? He couldn't really remember, his head hurt as he couldn't seem to move his body. Trying to struggle, he felt a soft touch of a hand against his face, and the hand filled his heart with such emotion that tears sprang from his closed eyes, his very chest contracted as he silently cried. 

"My child.." Said the voice, soft as velvet, gently in tone, and yet it was so familiar to him, and yet it was neither male nor female but somehow a blend of both. "I have watched you grow from the day you were born.." He wanted to open his eyes, he wanted to see who this was, he needed to see who this was. But his body still refused to move as he felt the voice lean over him and gently kiss his forehead, just like his mother use to do to comfort him when he was hurt or bullied. Tears continued to fall down his face as he cried, not realizing why, but knew that this touch of tenderness, of compassion, of pure love, he wanted to be forever in it. 

"But the time to die has not yet come.. For even death, when she came to claim you was told that you were still alive.." He wanted to speak, to ask where he was, who was talking to him, but the simple touch was enough to keep him still, to stop struggling, to listen to this mysterious voice. "You will be sent back to vanquish the evil that is spreading in my world, for even in despair, in desperation and depression, when you felt that all was lost, you continued to fight.." His tears finally slowing, he could hear a smile in the voice and his body flooded with happiness. 

"Go back to the world of the living my son, and take hope, for the world in its entirety, needs to balanced before I am to return.. So please, remember that I am forever with you, always able to hear your pleas for help and mercy. But also remember that on the world, my power is not easily seen so be ready to fight the temptations that come your way.." 

And with that he was finally able to sit up, his mouth open, tears falling down his face as he tried to reach out to to the voice that was so familiar that it made his very body full to the brim of happiness and contentedness of the likes that he had never known before. Looking around as the sun began to peek over the battlefield he could see that he had both arms, examining himself he found nothing else save but a small amulet around his neck. The amulet refused all attempts to open but he felt the same stirring in his heart as when he heard the voice that had spoken to him.  But now was not the time to marvel at what had transpired, getting up be put his sword back into his hilt, his shield on his back as he wiped away his muddy brown hair back under his black hat. Straightening the brim he took a deep breath and began to pick his way among the dead. 

Entering the city itself after several hours he saw nothing but what had transpired during the night, women stripped naked or simply killed in the streets, any that resisted, old and young alike were not spared from the clutches of the enemy army. A rising hatred grew in his chest, his heart fixed on what he had been told, "vanquish the evil.." If he was indeed chosen, then he would fight, he would not rest, for the world needed heroes, of men and women such as himself to take on the battle that would take their lifetimes, and even their lives to vanquish the evil that was plaguing the world around him. 

Unable to fight back the impulse, he looked to the brightening sky and yelled a battle cry, that was filled with hope and hatred. Everything was quite as the yell silenced the chattering of the birds that had come to feast on the dead. Looking around he equipped a lone horse that had seen better days with a saddle and filled it with some stale bread and a flask of water. 

His mission clear, that even the horse seemed to kneel in front of him as he surveyed his destroyed world in which he had been reborn. However before he began his journey he knelt before the battle field, sword in both hands, the blade in the earth he prayed for the dead, for his family, for strength that the voice had promised him. And he made a promise in the city of the north, to never forget, to never give up, to continue fighting until he was struck down or the evil finally vanquished. 

The horse nipped his shoulder and he smiled, getting up, blade in scabbard, he got onto the horse and whispered something gently in its ear. The horse neighed briefly, and almost seeming to nod it made its way out of the city as the dawn crested the hill on which the city had been built upon. Nothing would be the same for this chosen hero, nothing would ever be easy, but he could feel the love that he felt when he felt the kiss on his forehead and smiled. Today was his first step, today his world was changed, and today, would the man no longer hesitate.. For today, was a good day to die.. 

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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Ideas Of The Mind

When one thinks of the mind, what do you usually think? What someone comes up with? Art, Ideas, Movies? What do you think goes on with the majority of people? Well, it's most likely everyday items, jeez my boss is a jerk, or I wonder what I'm going to have deal with today, that chick is hot, etc. It goes on and on and on. All the time, and most of the thoughts that the majority has are an equivalent of not being noticed, simply due to how many thoughts and ideas one has. But what if I told you that there are some that aren't concerned about the everyday choices that each of us go through? Sure, there are geniuses that are among the few, those that make life a little better, or worse for the majority of the world.

But that's not what I'm talking about, those few of us that actually have to deal with the everyday realities, that aren't involved with selfish, grotesque, little world that the majority of sheep don't want to deal with. They just want to believe that everything will be okay, that they can make their dreams come true, and that money, power, or fame is the hallmark of success. It's sickening to see these sheep go down the broad roads that have been stripped of any originality, hard work, sweat, tears and blood. The men and women before them, were pioneers of their time, and yet we just simply accept the current world around us without a hint of gratitude for their sacrifices.

I never mean to let myself to get angry, or blame others for the actions that the world around them condones and accepts, simply to let them feel better about themselves. But we few that actually see the world for what it is.. I feel a burden upon my shoulders to try and actually help those to see something better, even when it hurts me! It's why I feel depressed when I try to do something right, and in the end, it doesn't work for some reason, it pushes me farther and deeper into the dark places that I try so hard to avoid. I'm not a psychopath in any stretch of the imagination, but I can emphasize with everyone that I get to know, I can see where they are coming from, and why they are doing it.

To me, it's a curse, I would rather not have to deal with people at all, because once I do, I can agree with what they are doing. Actions, words, thoughts, ideas, I can see what they see. And I don't even know if I can still go around with my current job, because I am forced to only interact a little bit with people, when something inside my mind wants to get to know them better. Sure I'll know what kind of food or drink they'll prefer, but that part of me wants more. And I have to hold back, or else I'll get in trouble. It's why most of my family thinks I would be great as a psychiatrist, or something along that line..

Sure I could go for that, but with my current associates degree in computers, it would let me deal less with people, and more with machines, because unless AI's are getting better, they are unthinking, unfeeling pieces of equipment that we attach personalities to, due to how the machine is designed. I wouldn't have to deal with wanting to know a machine, a computer, or something electronic. I believe that this route would be safer for me in the long run, no longer would I feel guilt, or a burden for those around me that are blissfully ignorant of the world around them, to want to make them open their eyes.

I would be lonely though...

That's right, you're afraid to be alone.

Like I am now..

You are alone, aren't you? 

I have some friends though..

Where are they now? 

Busy with their everyday lives.. But they need that!

They do need to have a life, something better then yours. 

I.. Have a life..

But it's lonely isn't it? None of your friends or family ever seem to call or make sure you're okay. You're only companions is a computer, and me.

I don't know what to do..

We both know what you need to do. 

But, that would break their hearts..

Would it? Would you be missed? 

I'm sure I would be..



You would no longer have your burden. And you would only be scared for the few seconds that it would take.

Just one step right off the edge..

Just one step.

No more burdens?


It wouldn't hurt?


I.. Could do that..

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