My depression has worsened, it really has, I even got to the point of cutting myself just to see if I still felt any pain. To see if the world I was still living in was more of a waster of time then I had ever foreseen. It still is, I really hate people more then ever, their selfish, crappy way of living with no one really giving a shit anymore. Oh sure, there are people who are trying to fight for "the right thing" but no one really knows what "the right thing" is anymore expect a bunch of truth from their opinionated rants from watching little to no real fact. And I can go into more and more of that, but it would be more of my opinions based off of my observations and no one really wants that anymore..
Good fact though, I'm two months clean from cutting, so that's a plus for me.. I guess. I'm getting back together with Kristin for reasons that she wants to have my kid and Liana didn't want to be together anymore.. She was too afraid of her parents and did what they wanted her to do. Even though she's an adult.. I guess I will never really understand wanting to appease to parental figures that don't give a rats ass about anything but what they want for their kids. Oh, you want to study other languages, and be an airplane stewardess? Well too fuckin bad kiddo, you're going to study what we want you too and if you don't we're going to take away our love from you. I mean seriously, who the fuck does that to their children!? I mean who!?
Kids that grew up into adults and found out that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. That living in Hawaii of all places is to damn hard to do. And move to bum fuck Nevada, and where in Nevada? Let's go to Las Vegas and live there where we they have to take out loans to live, not make enough to survive and make our kids get jobs to pay us to actually do anything! FUCK!
I've been getting angrier and angrier about the stupidity of people, sure let's all go to fuckin convenience stores and spend all our money on booze, smokes, and scratch cards, we'll spend more and more on things that aren't going to give us anything useful, like actual food. No. Instead let's waste all of our damn hard earned money and make the clerk waste time on what we want. Why yes, I waited ten minutes in line because some jackass at the damn counter wanted specific lottery tickets, different odd or even numbers, and wasted at least $60 fuckin dollars on shit you're only banking on to be a rich motherfucker!
DAMN IT! I HATE PEOPLE SO DAMN MUCH!
And then, when the anger goes down, I cry, I cry so hard about the lack of care about other human beings and caring more about the pleasures of flesh and the desire for such stupid dreams of grandeur. About not caring about if they could afford bills, or even pay for food... My heart aches for the deceit that they put in front of them so much that I actually get angry at them. Does that make any sense? Does it? Because I sure as hell don't. I don't see why I care about other damn people that are ruining themselves for just things that aren't going to help in the long run.
Do I drink? Yes, but not much, and just enough to help me sleep due to my insomnia. Do I smoke? Yes, and that's just a decision I made about the stress in my life, it was either that or be a mindless mess that just decided to kill himself out of the sheer life choices that I face as a human being every day. So does that help me in the long run? It does for me, but I don't see that for a lot of other people. They do it out of addiction, or boredom. Not that it helps, it's just another way to pass the time or try to remember what they are doing everyday that makes them move forward.
I'm not ranting and raving I guess, I just, I guess I'll be writing more now? I don't know, I guess it will help me with my thoughts again.