Depression is a Demon

Life isn't always fair, to put that into perspective, can you consider looking around at how the world is today? People claiming that they aren't treated fair when they themselves don't always treat others the way they want to be treated? Now there are some, don't get me wrong, but what is the thought that goes through so many minds? Is it the right to be accepted into a world, by peers, by friends and family that drive them to do so many things? Is it regret, disgrace, pain.. Death? We all walk paths that seemingly go anywhere before us, and never seem to stop, the distance always showing us how little or how much we walk. We can someone beside us, or continue to walk alone, howling in rage, in disgust, in pain..

I'm currently still on my path where so many before me seem to have fallen off, and where so many before me will someday stand at the exact spot where I once stood.. My path is still on a mountain, it's cold, it's hard, and the one person I thought I could trust, the one person whom I thought always knew what I was going through couldn't do it anymore. So she left to go somewhere else, and once again, I am alone. Alone in turmoil, in this small bit of rocky shelter that I found on this rocky path is the only thing keeping me from looking over the edge and wanting to throw myself off.. And the demons that keep my company just seem to laugh at my misery, at my pain, at my loneliness..

I have always been afraid of one thing, and one thing only, being alone. It's not really spiders or heights, or seeing and feeling in my dreams of being torn apart slowly each time I close my eyes.. But being alone by myself, and no one seems to get that! It's like they don't know what to do when faced with my demons and just throw me away so that I don't affect them, like it's some sort of disease! The feelings of pain and despair just seemingly grow more and more inside me, and I don't want to acknowledge it! And I just numb myself by internet, by friends, by games, by looking towards God who in His ever knowing grace and wisdom has let me be born with genes and a possible disease that will slowly kill me! Thinking about such things is never fruitful, but at the end of the day, I am all alone. Sitting in front of my desk staring at the screen, afraid to fall asleep and wake up to another day where I am still alive, alone, and wanting to just make it all go away!

Please, please, just make it all go away, I don't want to see them anymore! Can't you see the chains that hold me down!? The voices that always seem to edge me further toward the edge that I can never come back from? And I tell myself, and others, that it's going to be okay! It has to be, okay! Because if it isn't then what good is knowing that in the end that I am going to be alone, trapped forever on this journey with no end to it.. It has to be okay! I can't give up, because if I do.. Then what good am I as a human being? What kind of example would I have given to my younger brothers if I go off into the abyss? It has to be okay! It has to be okay! IT HAS TO BE OKAY! Right!? Right? It has to be okay....                                                               I WANT TO STAY ALIVE!

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