What then for those of us that have the ones that we feel that we can trust to tell them of what is bothering us? They are then drawn into the dark road that we travel, and to me personally, I feel guilty. And the burden of guilt grows because I feel that whatever happens, it will be my fault. And my depression worsens, and I yell and I cry out and I try to banish my demons because I don't want to hurt the ones I love.. And it hurts so much when that eventually happens and you don't know how to really say, "I'm sorry.. I really, truly am sorry.." And the guilt, the shame, the sadness, the pain, it just grows until the sun that was there, the sunshine of hope is covered by the storm of despair that engulfs me fully. And I wear my ever growing cracked mask that crumbles a little more every day, that shows that inside I'm crying and begging to be free of this mental prison that I can never be free from..
In a earlier post I was talking about not wanting to hurt this girl that I was finding myself falling in love with, and I was afraid it was only because of what she has emotionally.. Thankfully it wasn't like Kristin where everyday was something more that I had to give to make her happy, she even told me that she thought earlier in our relationship wasn't going to last, or that it was some kind of trap where I would abuse her like in her earlier relationships.. But she said that she loves my flaws, because I don't have to pretend to be strong, and she removed her cracked mask for me, and what I saw was someone who gave so willingly that she had been hurt like I had been.. Liana, if you ever find this, I'm sorry for not asking for permission earlier to tell this, but please understand that I am truly in love with you. Thank you for encouraging me to look forward to the future and not look toward the past, you truly are my Sunshine, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you.
Now, I also said that I was feeling anger, a feeling that while in my younger days I would enjoy, and had even let it rule my life which led me to being kicked out when I was eighteen.. For the past month or so, I've been noticing it more and more, and I thought, 'It's just me being tired from being homeless.' But after examining what's been going on I think I have the answer. My anger has always been something that I can rely on when I felt that the world was being crazy, and that I couldn't trust anyone, even my own family and friends. Unfortunately, I had become to dependant and it's only been in the last two years that I have let go of my anger and try to be happy and be the one that people can come to when they want to talk about something, to be a mellow guy and let go of the days events and retreat into my sleep to take on the world tomorrow.
But several things have been happening recently that I have noticed that is starting to let me be angry, shorter hours at work. This means less money, which even though I'm getting about $300 or so a month.. -Takes out a calculator and does some calculations.- So at 12 hrs a week, at minimum wage in Arizona is $8.05 an hour is $96.06 a week, times two is $193.20 which if you multiply at 15% is.. $28.98 or so taken away, so $193.20 minus $28.98 is $164.22 net pay every two weeks, times two and every month I get a grand total of $328.44.
Now, sorry about the math, but the room that I am looking at is $350 a month, which if I did my calculations correct I will be $21.56 short every month for rent. Now an extra four hours a week would do wonders to help make sure I have rent money, but not leave me anything else such as food or other things. Now with this amount of money, I wouldn't be even able to get a month bus pass which is $34 a month, which tallies up my cost to $384 a month that I would need to have transportation and rent money alone. And I now have a girlfriend that I want to get little gifts for her and eventually have her come down to where I am.. I am crying out for help and I feel left alone, because I know everyone has issues and that even though I'm still homeless, living at a Mission where being told what to do, what to eat, and how to live is starting to take its toll on me.. I guess my mom was right when she told me that little things always add up..
And of course I fight for more hours, and I fight to make sure that I will not give up, but my anger is building up, my patience is going down and I feel like I am at a crossroads where if I do not make the correct choice everything that I've been working toward for the past seven years will land me smack dab in the beginning where nothing I do matters and I lose everything.. And I hate it! I hate the feeling that my choices doesn't matter! That everything I work towards falls to pieces at the last second because some prick is having a bad day and wants to take it out on me! I hold back so much, because I can't afford to lose myself to my feelings that I battle for control over time and time again..
I'm sorry that this turned into whining, but it's just what I'm going through recently, and that hopefully no matter what is going on in your life, you can make the right decision for you and your loved ones. May the path you travel on be smooth every once and awhile, where the sun shines brightly for you, and your demons remain quiet longer. -Stray.
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