I'm fine, I'm just not happy.

I have always been told, when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade out of them. But what do you do when you get sick and tired of the lemonade because so many lemons are thrown your way? What can you do when the life you are trying so hard to live with always seems out of reach, and you know that you should try harder, to reach out higher, to just take one more step?

 But then, trying never seems to be enough, the higher you reach out, the higher it goes, and one more step turns into a hundred.. The cracked mask that you hold onto your face cracks more, and the sadness, the hopelessness, the despair, anger, and you have no idea what to do with it, the pain just builds up, the voices are in your head, whispering, yelling, and you just want it all to stop!

"STOP IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" And sometimes that works, the pain ebbs away slightly and you go to your vice, the thing that helps you cope in life and then it comes back again, like giant waves, sinking beneath the waves you try to reach out, and want anyone, someone to reach back and help you back out of the water. It doesn't happen does it? You sink lower and lower, drowning in all that you tried to hold back, and you can look above, and see people just walking by, paying attention to their own problems, their own demons, their own pain that they deal with..

Some of us are still drowning today, the dreams turn into nightmares and you don't want to sleep, every waking day is usually harder then the next. The storm of emotions that are all boiling together never stop unless you do something to numb yourself, is it that razor knife that lets you feel better when you do it? The bottle that lets you numb yourself and makes it so that you can't focus on life anymore?

The drugs that let you mellow out and silence the voices in your head for a few hours? Work? Internet? Porn? Pain that turns to pleasure? Domination? Bullying? These are only a few of the vices that we use to get through our day, because at the end of it, we are all alone with our thoughts, the feelings of happiness, acceptance, all go away once the sun goes down and night rules.

I know that life isn't easy, we all live with our fears, our hopes, our anguish, our voices, our pain.. I don't like depression, I don't like being a victim, I hate every single second I am in its grasp, but no matter how hard I run, how hard I try, how hard I try to smile, I am crying on the inside. I am drowning in this pain that does not go away!

Reaching out to others is hard because most of the time they really don't see us for who we really are under our masks that crack just a little more each and everyday.. It's harder to get up in the morning, I wake up multiple times during the night, and if people ask if I'm okay, I just say, "I'm fine." Or "Just tired."

I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other though, because if I don't I will fall down, I will drown more, I will keep hearing my voices that tell me to give up. That I'm a loser and that I can't do anything right. I should of never been born. I'll always be trouble. I'll never find love because it's only a fairytale..

Real love, real happiness, real smiles and laughs are as foreign a concept to me as the bottom of the sea. I know that things live on the bottom of the ocean, I've seen pictures, and see videos, but I will never be able to see it myself.. I will never be able to truly experience them, it will always be just a concept. So for now, I will continue to imitate, to hide myself away, to show the world that I am okay, but inside I'm dying..

"You know you should do it right? You won't have to worry about anything if you're dead."

I know.. 

"Giving up is so much easier, just let things happen."

It sounds easier.. 

"What a loser, no one cares."

I.. 

"You'll never have a family."

I guess..

"No one will ever love you! You're too ugly!"

I guess I am.. 

"You're just a mistake."

Am I really just a mistake? 

"Just Give up!"

But..

"Give up!'

I want to..

"Give up!"

I want to give up..

"GIVE UP!"

I WANT TO GIVE UP! I WANT TO GIVE UP! I WANT TO MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY! I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'LL GIVE UP! I'LL BE A GOOD BOY! I SWEAR I WILL! 

I'm drowning and it feels nice because that means I won't have to worry anymore, I can let go finally.. And then the pain will stop..

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