Depression is a Demon Pt. 2

For those suffering from depression, it can come any number of ways, any any sort of time, and it can stay as long as it wants. We can all just try to shake it off, run away, drown it out with pain, pleasure, numbness.. I once heard that depression has no victims, only volunteers, and I have to disagree with that. I don't volunteer to have my thoughts weigh me down, I don't volunteer to go back into the past and remember both the good and the bad memories, and I don't volunteer to yell at the heavens!

 I want none of that, I hate it! I hate those voices in my head that tell me that I'm not good enough, that tell me that I can't do anything right in my life! So I just charge forward, wanting to run away from it all! To make a better life for myself.. And I thought I was doing that..

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.. And I'm not proud of them, but the things that I shunned away, welcome me with open arms again. It's like they're saying, "We missed you! Don't worry, we won't ever go away! We will always be right here.." And it's true, our vices, our former escapes seem so much better now, and to be honest, it makes me feel better. Not because I'll look later at them again, despising what I did, but because I don't feel judged, I don't feel empty, I feel whole again, even if it is harmful and I know it's wrong..

I can see those welcoming arms, and I know that I shouldn't go back there, that I can't go back there.. But there they are, knowing that I won't be able to resist again for much longer.. And I yell at God! "Where are you when I need you the most! Why don't you tell me that everything is going to be okay! I need more then your word! I need you!" And I don't feel like I get anything back, only silence, only the same voices in my head telling me that I'm worthless, that I'll never have a family, that I'll never be able to fall in love and expect it to last..

I just.. I really need to be okay.. Nothing would be better if I was okay, right? This pain is what tells me that I am still alive, but for how much longer? I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting, to only curl up into my shell, and cry, and push everyone away again.. To build walls around my heart that will need to be broken down again? Because right now, I feel defenseless, I feel ashamed, and I feel overwhelmed.. "WHERE ARE YOU OH LORD! WHY DO YOU TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM ME!? WHY DO YOU LET MY ENEMIES SURROUND ME TO SPIT AND JEER AT MY BROKENNESS!? Please.. make it all go away.."

To be depressed, is to be broken, to be in constant pain that will never go away, to always feel like you are on the outside and everybody points at you.. "Hey! Isn't it that guy who doesn't tolerate gay marriage? That's why his girlfriend left him again, what a pansy! What a wuss! He's so worthless, I'm glad that he was thrown away like trash!"

Am I really trash? I.. I don't think I am..

"Worthless!"

Am I really worthless?

"Pathetic!"

But I try so hard..

"Loser!"

Please stop..

"Baby!"

Please stop.

"Faggot!"

Please stop!

"Justin, you are a whore.."

Please stop!!

PLEASE STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I WANT THIS TO ALL JUST STOP! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I TRIED? PLEASE! ANYONE! TELL ME THAT I CAN DO SOMETHING! THAT I'M NOT TRASH! THAT I'M NOT WORTHLESS! THAT I'M NOT SOMEONE THAT CAN BE THROWN AWAY! PLEASE DON'T IGNORE ME!

Please..?

My tears won't stop falling..

My pain keeps numbing..

My mask is cracking, I'm going to need another one..

The ceiling is different again..

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