It's Raining Outside

It's raining outside and all I can think about is the one promise that I made to my ex when we were still together. I miss her at times, but does that mean that the stances I made were out of line? She told me I had changed, and that she didn't want to be with someone like that.. And I have to say I have changed, I'm less outgoing then I use to be, I no longer smile as much as I use to, and my stances on how I see the degradation of society has gotten stronger. I must say that I think I was living in a fairy tale with her, I was either too sweet or too friendly or too forward for her in some way or another..

I can say that during the four years that I chased after her, she hasn't once decided to chase after me, it was me trying to persuade her to stay with me when someone else came along, it was me trying to show how much I loved her.. And eventually it just got to a point where I was getting tired of giving all the time, sure she would say she love me, but would get mad or scared or pouty if I didn't answer her texts, or call after a certain time.. I think my problem is that I try to help those that I see as broken in some way and after awhile I start falling in love with them, trying to give them the love I see that they need so desperately at times. I think I was never actually in love with her, but the brokenness I saw in her if that makes any sense..

I'm not some white knight that goes around saying, "I can save you!" I have feelings, I have my own desires and tastes, but when I see someone that is broken inside like me, I feel drawn and attracted to that in some way that I really can't seem to understand.. It's like I was saying when I can emphasize with pretty much everyone I get to know.. I don't know how to stop doing what I do, I don't know how to stop myself from falling in love with these women that have been thrown away, rejected, stamped on, and I all I can give is my heart to be used instead of theirs. When I try to build up their self-esteem I tell them what they should of been told their entire lives, that they are loved, that they are full of worth, that they are strong, and smart and beautiful.

The society around us idolizes the thin form and shape of the human body, due to this, we have men and women acting certain ways in order to appear beautiful and pretty. For some it's a habit, a ritual, performing just for the sake of the audience that they know is watching. And the mask they keep on degrades more and more over time until they have a mental breakdown, which is why people suddenly seem to snap and do all sorts of crazy things. The mask they have is gone, and the mind can't handle it anymore, and society laughs, judges, and gossips all to make themselves feel better in some way or another. Sure, I may have my stance on certain subjects, but that doesn't mean anyone else that disagrees I love any less, it just means I love them more and want to try and let them see where I am coming from. Do I want them to change their stance? No. I want to show them both sides of the argument and let them decide.

My ex said that she couldn't do that, that her lifestyle, her choices in life were not up for talking about, even with me. So currently I'm alone, single, and talking to a girl that calls me Onii-chan.. She has problems with life and doesn't feel like she has any worth.. And what am I doing? I tell her that she is full of worth, that she is a princess, she is smart and pretty, and can do anything she sets her mind too.. And I am falling in love with her, even though were not related by blood or relations, I am falling in love with a girl I call Imoto.. little sister..  And I can just see myself being hurt or hurting her in some way and I am trying to avoid that so hard.. But I don't know what to do again... So if anyone can give me advice in some way in order to stop this cycle of self-abuse, can you let me know? Please?

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Horizons

In a small northern city, smoke rises in billows, men and creatures lay dead in pools of blood, and the dead and dying see nothing but bleakness as the cheers, everything that they had fought for was destroyed in hours. Men were slain, women and children raped and killed or taken as prisoners for slavery and trophies of conquest. This is where one man cursed the heavens, but only in mind alone, for his very arm had been sliced off when he faced off against one of the generals that had lead the siege on his very city. 

He had been a hero of world renown, but even now he could feel his breath draw close, his very body feeling colder with every passing second, his vision becoming blurry. If only he had one chance to change the battle, to have won against the general, more lives would have been saved, his family.. His wife.. What had become of her..? His body shuddered as he tried reaching up with his remaining arm, "Marinna.." With his last breath, he become limp, a once proud man who fought bravely against the disease of evil that had wanted to spread was now just another slain body.. His arm fell across his chest, his eyes staring vacantly into the twilight sky.. 

There was light still, was there? He couldn't really remember, his head hurt as he couldn't seem to move his body. Trying to struggle, he felt a soft touch of a hand against his face, and the hand filled his heart with such emotion that tears sprang from his closed eyes, his very chest contracted as he silently cried. 

"My child.." Said the voice, soft as velvet, gently in tone, and yet it was so familiar to him, and yet it was neither male nor female but somehow a blend of both. "I have watched you grow from the day you were born.." He wanted to open his eyes, he wanted to see who this was, he needed to see who this was. But his body still refused to move as he felt the voice lean over him and gently kiss his forehead, just like his mother use to do to comfort him when he was hurt or bullied. Tears continued to fall down his face as he cried, not realizing why, but knew that this touch of tenderness, of compassion, of pure love, he wanted to be forever in it. 

"But the time to die has not yet come.. For even death, when she came to claim you was told that you were still alive.." He wanted to speak, to ask where he was, who was talking to him, but the simple touch was enough to keep him still, to stop struggling, to listen to this mysterious voice. "You will be sent back to vanquish the evil that is spreading in my world, for even in despair, in desperation and depression, when you felt that all was lost, you continued to fight.." His tears finally slowing, he could hear a smile in the voice and his body flooded with happiness. 

"Go back to the world of the living my son, and take hope, for the world in its entirety, needs to balanced before I am to return.. So please, remember that I am forever with you, always able to hear your pleas for help and mercy. But also remember that on the world, my power is not easily seen so be ready to fight the temptations that come your way.." 

And with that he was finally able to sit up, his mouth open, tears falling down his face as he tried to reach out to to the voice that was so familiar that it made his very body full to the brim of happiness and contentedness of the likes that he had never known before. Looking around as the sun began to peek over the battlefield he could see that he had both arms, examining himself he found nothing else save but a small amulet around his neck. The amulet refused all attempts to open but he felt the same stirring in his heart as when he heard the voice that had spoken to him.  But now was not the time to marvel at what had transpired, getting up be put his sword back into his hilt, his shield on his back as he wiped away his muddy brown hair back under his black hat. Straightening the brim he took a deep breath and began to pick his way among the dead. 

Entering the city itself after several hours he saw nothing but what had transpired during the night, women stripped naked or simply killed in the streets, any that resisted, old and young alike were not spared from the clutches of the enemy army. A rising hatred grew in his chest, his heart fixed on what he had been told, "vanquish the evil.." If he was indeed chosen, then he would fight, he would not rest, for the world needed heroes, of men and women such as himself to take on the battle that would take their lifetimes, and even their lives to vanquish the evil that was plaguing the world around him. 

Unable to fight back the impulse, he looked to the brightening sky and yelled a battle cry, that was filled with hope and hatred. Everything was quite as the yell silenced the chattering of the birds that had come to feast on the dead. Looking around he equipped a lone horse that had seen better days with a saddle and filled it with some stale bread and a flask of water. 

His mission clear, that even the horse seemed to kneel in front of him as he surveyed his destroyed world in which he had been reborn. However before he began his journey he knelt before the battle field, sword in both hands, the blade in the earth he prayed for the dead, for his family, for strength that the voice had promised him. And he made a promise in the city of the north, to never forget, to never give up, to continue fighting until he was struck down or the evil finally vanquished. 

The horse nipped his shoulder and he smiled, getting up, blade in scabbard, he got onto the horse and whispered something gently in its ear. The horse neighed briefly, and almost seeming to nod it made its way out of the city as the dawn crested the hill on which the city had been built upon. Nothing would be the same for this chosen hero, nothing would ever be easy, but he could feel the love that he felt when he felt the kiss on his forehead and smiled. Today was his first step, today his world was changed, and today, would the man no longer hesitate.. For today, was a good day to die.. 

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Ideas Of The Mind

When one thinks of the mind, what do you usually think? What someone comes up with? Art, Ideas, Movies? What do you think goes on with the majority of people? Well, it's most likely everyday items, jeez my boss is a jerk, or I wonder what I'm going to have deal with today, that chick is hot, etc. It goes on and on and on. All the time, and most of the thoughts that the majority has are an equivalent of not being noticed, simply due to how many thoughts and ideas one has. But what if I told you that there are some that aren't concerned about the everyday choices that each of us go through? Sure, there are geniuses that are among the few, those that make life a little better, or worse for the majority of the world.

But that's not what I'm talking about, those few of us that actually have to deal with the everyday realities, that aren't involved with selfish, grotesque, little world that the majority of sheep don't want to deal with. They just want to believe that everything will be okay, that they can make their dreams come true, and that money, power, or fame is the hallmark of success. It's sickening to see these sheep go down the broad roads that have been stripped of any originality, hard work, sweat, tears and blood. The men and women before them, were pioneers of their time, and yet we just simply accept the current world around us without a hint of gratitude for their sacrifices.

I never mean to let myself to get angry, or blame others for the actions that the world around them condones and accepts, simply to let them feel better about themselves. But we few that actually see the world for what it is.. I feel a burden upon my shoulders to try and actually help those to see something better, even when it hurts me! It's why I feel depressed when I try to do something right, and in the end, it doesn't work for some reason, it pushes me farther and deeper into the dark places that I try so hard to avoid. I'm not a psychopath in any stretch of the imagination, but I can emphasize with everyone that I get to know, I can see where they are coming from, and why they are doing it.

To me, it's a curse, I would rather not have to deal with people at all, because once I do, I can agree with what they are doing. Actions, words, thoughts, ideas, I can see what they see. And I don't even know if I can still go around with my current job, because I am forced to only interact a little bit with people, when something inside my mind wants to get to know them better. Sure I'll know what kind of food or drink they'll prefer, but that part of me wants more. And I have to hold back, or else I'll get in trouble. It's why most of my family thinks I would be great as a psychiatrist, or something along that line..

Sure I could go for that, but with my current associates degree in computers, it would let me deal less with people, and more with machines, because unless AI's are getting better, they are unthinking, unfeeling pieces of equipment that we attach personalities to, due to how the machine is designed. I wouldn't have to deal with wanting to know a machine, a computer, or something electronic. I believe that this route would be safer for me in the long run, no longer would I feel guilt, or a burden for those around me that are blissfully ignorant of the world around them, to want to make them open their eyes.

I would be lonely though...

That's right, you're afraid to be alone.

Like I am now..

You are alone, aren't you? 

I have some friends though..

Where are they now? 

Busy with their everyday lives.. But they need that!

They do need to have a life, something better then yours. 

I.. Have a life..

But it's lonely isn't it? None of your friends or family ever seem to call or make sure you're okay. You're only companions is a computer, and me.

I don't know what to do..

We both know what you need to do. 

But, that would break their hearts..

Would it? Would you be missed? 

I'm sure I would be..

Really? 

...

You would no longer have your burden. And you would only be scared for the few seconds that it would take.

Just one step right off the edge..

Just one step.

No more burdens?

None. 

It wouldn't hurt?

Painless. 

I.. Could do that..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Legends

What is a legend? What defines that which is truth between that which is myth? What are the very definitions of truth and myth and how do some become legends? I've always loved legends, from reading books that had ghost tales and sightings to mysterious happenings across the world that no one can ever seem to have a scientific explanation for. If life was more mysterious would we as a species expect more of the unexpected, instead of the senses that we use for everyday life? Can we as humans imagine what it would be life to live with supernatural beings that were normal everyday events?

With each and every day showing the worse that humanity has to offer, I at this moment in time can say no. No we cannot. We are entirely too dependent on what others tell us that we can't help but to be skeptical, the old ways are being overrun. Make way for the new, the more advanced, the more powerful.. The more stupid. Sure we are close to creating things that only authors in old science fiction books could imagine, but at what cost? Wars plague the planet in larger numbers then we have ever seen, viruses, diseases, death is ever more prevalent. Hunger is becoming more seen, senseless violence is now an everyday occurrence, and all we ever seem to do is work, go home, and watch TV before doing it all over again. College students cannot get the jobs they are working for in their degrees, and more debt is piling up each second that we are alive.

Can you possibly imagine what life is going to be like in twenty, thirty years from now? From this exact moment everything that we grew up with will change, children will barely remember what a rotary dial is, cellphones will no longer exist as scientists will come up with something that will directly interact with the human mind. That which we can remember will only be a memory while we stare into the distance.. Pollution is at an all time high, more babies are being born then ever before, and prices for everyday items continue to rise..

What is the truth of our lifetime as we see all that is happening around us and continue to ignore it? To be only in the now, to see our fleshy desires become first, to ignore the virtues our parents taught us just because those 'rules' are antiquated, outdated. Boys who think they are men continue to father little ones whom they will either hit, abandon or eventually kill. The children will be raises by single mothers or the state where they are statistically cited as having more mental problems then those growing up in a home with a normal family. Girls who think they are women will still look at themselves in the mirror and pretty themselves up, go out on dates with boys, get pregnant and either have an abortion, keep the baby and give it up to adoption, or raise the child alone with little to no hope.

I see the generation around me, I see so many wants and desires to please them that it sickens me, and I think to myself. Am I the only who doesn't see an attractive woman and instantly think about sex? Am I the only one that instantly looks at age, height, weight, clothes, the way she is walking, and who she is walking with? Her body language, the way that she smiles or is frowning? I feel like such an oddity for instantly trying to think about the person at hand instead of seeing them as personal gratification. When I was younger, yes I did see girls, women as that, but as I continued to grow, to mature, to sense that life wasn't all about me, I saw more. I try to stay attentive, I try to think about what tomorrow will bring and how I can prepare for that.

But apparently I cannot do that, I am to play my stereotype, the fat white nerd who is suppose to be into anime, be messy, be lazy, have no interest with real relationships, be into computers, and hate jocks because they get the girl. We as people categorize due to how we view the world as a whole, nerds are suppose to exist to not have a real life, jocks play sports and get the girls, blacks are suppose to like watermelon and chicken, Asians  are suppose to be super smart, Native Americans to be drunk and so on and so forth..

Those are the myths, those are the lies that we tell ourselves that we are suppose to believe, men are suppose to do manly things, women do womanly things. Now there are those that challenge the status quo, those that say that things should change. But sheep are easily herded, sheep have no leaders and simply follow where everyone else is going. Those that stand against the hatred, the violence, the mindless obsession with things are branded as traitors, rebels, expendable, weird.. They are shunned by those around them, some are even killed, tortured, and forced to watch that what they had worked for their entire lives be burned.

We are selfish, despicable, rotten people, we would rather look out for number one instead of those around us that continue to suffer in silence. Religion is seen as something that needs to be replaced, god(s) have no place in today's world of soaring structures and technology. It's a crutch, right? Seen only as a thing that no longer has any basis. What if the religion that some look down doesn't hurt anyone? That the only thing that the religion wants to do is love others but only hate that which is deliberately hurtful to oneself? And the only thing you can do about is open your heart, to love those around you, and try not to let your fleshly desires overpower you? How is that hurting you in any way except help you to try and live a better life? Most people don't see it that way, it's a restraint on whatever they want to do, and go against it because they don't want to give up their desires.

The truth hurts, it stings, and no one likes it. But that is the legend, the legend of abilities, actions, and opinions that show that the sheep need to change. That which is a lie needs to change into the truth. But no one wants to do that, it's too hard, it's not fun. Who said that the truth was suppose to be easy? The truth is never easy, and most of us don't want to hear the truth, we couldn't handle it because we would rather live a lie! Is guilt easier to live with if we lie about it? Why do you think truth hurts at first? Because it exposes us, it shows our guilt, our inner secrets and we are afraid as a species to be judged. But after the guilt is gone, forgiven, it doesn't weigh you down anymore, you can more easily face the life that you lead, even if it has changed.

The myth mixed with a lie, will always be a lie. But the truth mixed with the myth will always become a legend. It shall forever stand the test of time, no matter who says what, who does what and when. We are mortals, we are fragile, we are nothing more then dust on the winds of time, here one second, gone the next. Thinking about this everyday is never easy, trying to go forward even when everyone is against you is the hardest thing you can do. I try every day, I keep being told that I can't do this and that, and it gets to me, and I fall further down into my hole of darkness and despair. And it hurts! It hurts when the ones you love leave you because they can't or are unwilling to see the myth. So let me give you this challenge, would you rather still live with a myth, or become a legend?

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Fairy Tale

I'm sorry if people get confused with the title, but please, continue to read further ahead. My name is Straydog on the web, a guy who has gone through bouts of depression so dark that I don't know how I am still alive. I do try to stay optimistic, and most of my friends can attest to that fact, but for now, I am hiding all my pain, my hurt, my loneliness, behind my cracked mask of lies and decet in order to not make any friends or family worry about me. To be honest, this online blog is more like a large collection of thoughts, desires, wants, and grumbles about the life that I live in this ever increasing hellhole of a planet.

For those visiting for the first time, welcome, I'm sorry if you feel like you're reading something boring, and want to go somewhere else. I can't promise that you'll find a lot of interesting things, but I can promise you that truth, combined with the written word can have a strong effect on the human mind, only if you want to read further that is. It's currently raining right now, and it's cold out, from my vantage point on the second floor I can see very little activity, and it makes me feel more alone. All I can do is continue to write, to fight going forward and try to not let the past week drag me further into the despair that I am currently in.

If you were expecting someone trying to gain attention with the doom and gloom, I'm sorry to disappoint you, these are true thoughts, wants, from someone who feels so lost in this world that I don't know where to go, or who to turn to. I'm not someone seeking attention, I just want to reach out and help others realize that they are not alone as well, that the happiness they seek can be a reality, but they have to keep fighting. And I know it's hard and that life isn't fair, and that no matter what you try to do, you're thrown right back where you started, or even deeper than before.

If you've seen anime, then you know the meaning of friendship, and family, of fighting for what is right, and determined to be strong against all odds. For some that watch anime, they know all the characters, which ones are their favorites or least favorites, how they felt when someone got hurt or was killed. To me, they are a form of a modern hero, even though they aren't real, we see, feel, laugh, and cry with them, and want only for them to win in the end.

Real life, sadly, isn't an anime, it's not a fairy tale. We don't fight real monsters that try to destroy humanity, we don't have powers, or come from a long line of magic users. We don't get to save the girl or guy and defeat the villain. We are ordinary, with vast differences that cost lives at times, friendships, even families that can't agree on something. And sometimes we wish so very hard to be someone different, to use abilities, to use a mech, to make peace with those around us, to fight against the very thing driving everyone around you apart! For then, anime is not only a cartoon, our heros come alive, and we yell and we scream for them to come help us in our lives that is so torn down, broken apart that we don't know what to do!

Where can't I be a hero!? Where can I go to save my mom and dad to stop fighting? Why can't I just be someone special that can save people and fight for what I know is right? Why can't I just be a hero who has friends that I can rely on to help me? Can't I do anything to stop the evil I see around me!? To save those in need?

And yet, it never happens, our family breaks apart, people die from needless violence, while others go hungry, go without a home, a place where they can feel safe in the storm called life. Today we seem to only care about ourselves, about what we go through, or want to go through. We have so many wants for ourselves that we barely see beyond our own world to see that the person sitting next to us has just lost their mother in a car accident. That their father or husband who went to fight for the right of others has been killed in a roadside bombing.

 The modern heroes that we so want, are the men and women that decide to go against their selfish nature and help those in need, so that the tyrants who want everyone to do what they want cannot go one step further. To stop hurting another person, to stop brainwashing them into believing the very thing that they detest. To save those people in a burning building get away, to rescue someone from drowning, or being swept away by a flash flood. To help someone out of a car that is ready to explode from the leaking fuel, to make sure that the sick can become well..

I recently just heard that someone who I left an encouraging message on their own blog needs help with medical expenses. She until recently was a cutter, felt alone, and wanted it to all just end. Her boyfriend, and now fiance' was the only person in her life that continued to be there for her. I really don't know the details, but she asked me to see if anyone was willing to help her. I told her that I would.. To be someone who helps others is usually a thankless task, but to help someone, anyone, is an honor that we as humanity should do no matter what. So I ask you this, will you help someone today? Will you be willing to donate money for a stranger, to give up a few dollars to help this woman's fiance' that helped save her life? Will you be her modern hero?

Donate here: http://www.gofundme.com/rptmj3ak

Her Blog: http://anaveragedayinacutterslife.blogspot.com/

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

Courage

Today is another day, one filled with sadness and happiness, with life and death with the abundance of emotions that range from despair to pure joy, what do we continue to fight for? What is the main reason that we continue to get up in the morning? Is it for work? Is it for a family, an apartment? Knowing that each time you get up your day will never be without ups and downs, that life will sometimes look at you and say.

"No.. you haven't had enough yet, let's make you lose your job due to cuts in the company. After that you will search for work and not find it because at the age of eighteen you decided that steal would be fun. And that's going to follow you for a long time. Not because you straightened up your act afterwords, but because when someone looks at you, all they can think of is, thief. You will be branded a thief for the rest of your life, wherever you go for employment, no one willing to look at you because of that.."

"And because you won't have a job you'll lose your apartment, and go to a shelter. But because of time limits you will be forced to truly live on the streets, begging, shivering under the night sky as the temperature dips below thirty degrees every night.. And people will just look at you and think, what a bum. He refuses to get a job, what a piece of trash that we have to look at.. So yes, here is your piece of the pie, you're welcome."

 As I've heard before, we do not choose to become victims, only volunteers.. Where does the volunteering part come from? It certainly isn't when depression comes my way, it's not when I lose someone close to me, not from loosing a job, becoming homeless or feeling like each day is a climb up the steepest mountain. Where does being the volunteer come from when life and man decide to step on those that are trying so hard to get away from the problems that surround them each and everyday? If so, show me. Please do. I know it's not for lack of trying to get past each and everyday, of seeing others go forward and you feel like you are at a standstill, slowly sliding backwards..

We are all victims in one way or another, we have never volunteered for the life that continually shows us that no matter where we go, no matter how hard we try, how hard we fight, it feels like nothing matters.. We few that want it all to end, don't want our lives to truly end, but to make the pain that we experience every single day to stop. We want to stop cutting, to stop drinking, to stop seeing our masks crumble each time we have to say that we are happy, that we are okay, that things are going well.. Each lie that we tell those around us make our shoulders sag just a little more, our tears a little more bitter, our hearts a little heavier..

It's a life that we live with continually, battling just to survive until we can get back into our beds and shut away everything that happened. That job you were hoping to get, sorry, you messed up. That marriage that you tried for so hard to keep together, sorry, you messed up. The family you wanted so dearly, sorry, you messed up. We are always told we can't have something because, sorry, you messed up. Stealing is wrong, therefore, no job in the future when you want one, sorry, you messed up. Not giving your spouse the time when you come home after work, or constantly drinking, or maybe you decided to play patty cake with someone else behind their back is on you. Even after you quit, and tried to hard to show them that you changed, sorry. No forgiveness here, you messed up.

The family that you wanted so much, your body is unable to reproduce, or your body was unable to handle the pregnancy, your husband or wife isn't interested because something else is too important to them. When you went to adopt you were turned down because you don't either make enough, or too much, the baby or small toddler who smiled at you and melted your heart, you can't adopt them now. Sorry, you messed up.

Why do we as human beings decide to get up everyday? Is it because that we somehow find the courage deep inside of us to move forward? Where does this courage come from? I don't really know, it's hard to figure out why I haven't tried to commit suicide again after becoming homeless the first time. Or not take those last few pills that I know would forever let me sleep and never wake up.. I'm currently still alive, wanting this to all end, fighting against what I see in my own way and hating humanity for its problems with one another, for their greed, and selfishness, and all of that coming back and affecting me. I have made my own share of mistakes, but I keep trying for some reason that I don't know yet.. Is it because of my dream to have a job, a house, a family that constantly gets stepped on? Even when I am told, sorry, you messed up.

This fragile life that we as humans have, is it the courage inside of us that makes us go forward with a heavy sigh and say, "Maybe today will be different.." For all I know is that this courage that I have is slowly waning away into nothingness, soon I won't be able to get up in the morning, to fight, to survive. I'll be drowning even more, and this time, no one will be able to save me, that is when my worst fear will come alive.. To be alone.. And I dread when that day will come, when I look in the mirror, and see that my mask it so cracked that I won't be able to hide behind it anymore..

"Maybe today will be different.."

Are you sure?

"But, it's a new day.."

But you're still alone.

"I have people around me that care about me.."

Then where are they?

"I.. Their busy.."

Too busy to come and help right?

"But tomorrow they'll come.. Right?"

They weren't there yesterday, they weren't here today..

"They won't be there tomorrow?"

They don't care about you anymore.

"But.. They said I was their friend."

Then where are they?

"I.."

You should just let it all go.

"It's hard getting up in the morning now."

What if you never had to wake up again?

"That would be nice.."

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

I'm fine, I'm just not happy.

I have always been told, when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade out of them. But what do you do when you get sick and tired of the lemonade because so many lemons are thrown your way? What can you do when the life you are trying so hard to live with always seems out of reach, and you know that you should try harder, to reach out higher, to just take one more step?

 But then, trying never seems to be enough, the higher you reach out, the higher it goes, and one more step turns into a hundred.. The cracked mask that you hold onto your face cracks more, and the sadness, the hopelessness, the despair, anger, and you have no idea what to do with it, the pain just builds up, the voices are in your head, whispering, yelling, and you just want it all to stop!

"STOP IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" And sometimes that works, the pain ebbs away slightly and you go to your vice, the thing that helps you cope in life and then it comes back again, like giant waves, sinking beneath the waves you try to reach out, and want anyone, someone to reach back and help you back out of the water. It doesn't happen does it? You sink lower and lower, drowning in all that you tried to hold back, and you can look above, and see people just walking by, paying attention to their own problems, their own demons, their own pain that they deal with..

Some of us are still drowning today, the dreams turn into nightmares and you don't want to sleep, every waking day is usually harder then the next. The storm of emotions that are all boiling together never stop unless you do something to numb yourself, is it that razor knife that lets you feel better when you do it? The bottle that lets you numb yourself and makes it so that you can't focus on life anymore?

The drugs that let you mellow out and silence the voices in your head for a few hours? Work? Internet? Porn? Pain that turns to pleasure? Domination? Bullying? These are only a few of the vices that we use to get through our day, because at the end of it, we are all alone with our thoughts, the feelings of happiness, acceptance, all go away once the sun goes down and night rules.

I know that life isn't easy, we all live with our fears, our hopes, our anguish, our voices, our pain.. I don't like depression, I don't like being a victim, I hate every single second I am in its grasp, but no matter how hard I run, how hard I try, how hard I try to smile, I am crying on the inside. I am drowning in this pain that does not go away!

Reaching out to others is hard because most of the time they really don't see us for who we really are under our masks that crack just a little more each and everyday.. It's harder to get up in the morning, I wake up multiple times during the night, and if people ask if I'm okay, I just say, "I'm fine." Or "Just tired."

I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other though, because if I don't I will fall down, I will drown more, I will keep hearing my voices that tell me to give up. That I'm a loser and that I can't do anything right. I should of never been born. I'll always be trouble. I'll never find love because it's only a fairytale..

Real love, real happiness, real smiles and laughs are as foreign a concept to me as the bottom of the sea. I know that things live on the bottom of the ocean, I've seen pictures, and see videos, but I will never be able to see it myself.. I will never be able to truly experience them, it will always be just a concept. So for now, I will continue to imitate, to hide myself away, to show the world that I am okay, but inside I'm dying..

"You know you should do it right? You won't have to worry about anything if you're dead."

I know.. 

"Giving up is so much easier, just let things happen."

It sounds easier.. 

"What a loser, no one cares."

I.. 

"You'll never have a family."

I guess..

"No one will ever love you! You're too ugly!"

I guess I am.. 

"You're just a mistake."

Am I really just a mistake? 

"Just Give up!"

But..

"Give up!'

I want to..

"Give up!"

I want to give up..

"GIVE UP!"

I WANT TO GIVE UP! I WANT TO GIVE UP! I WANT TO MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY! I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'LL GIVE UP! I'LL BE A GOOD BOY! I SWEAR I WILL! 

I'm drowning and it feels nice because that means I won't have to worry anymore, I can let go finally.. And then the pain will stop..

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2

The Clouds Are Gathering

The Clouds Are Gathering All Around Me,
There Is No Escape, I Cannot Flee.

To Be In Such A Place, I Face OverWhelming Odds,
I Stand Facing the Storm, Standing Against The Gods.

To Watch My Own Demise, Where I Go Down Into Death,
I Must Wait And Surmise, What can I do as I draw my last Breath?

The Clouds Are Gathering All Around Me,
I Cannot Stand Now, I Stumble and Fall On One Knee.

Those That Would Harm My Well Being, Have Only One Desire,
Only One Place Am I Seeing, To Escape Into The Fire.

For The Flames Burn My Flesh, And Strip Me of All Thought,
The Same Instant There Is A Plesh, But It Is All For Naught.

The Clouds Are Gathering All Around Me,
The Darkness It Is Slathering My Very Existence, Now I Can Never Be Free.

-Stray.

My FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/Straydog

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Reggier2d2