It's Raining Outside

It's raining outside and all I can think about is the one promise that I made to my ex when we were still together. I miss her at times, but does that mean that the stances I made were out of line? She told me I had changed, and that she didn't want to be with someone like that.. And I have to say I have changed, I'm less outgoing then I use to be, I no longer smile as much as I use to, and my stances on how I see the degradation of society has gotten stronger. I must say that I think I was living in a fairy tale with her, I was either too sweet or too friendly or too forward for her in some way or another..

I can say that during the four years that I chased after her, she hasn't once decided to chase after me, it was me trying to persuade her to stay with me when someone else came along, it was me trying to show how much I loved her.. And eventually it just got to a point where I was getting tired of giving all the time, sure she would say she love me, but would get mad or scared or pouty if I didn't answer her texts, or call after a certain time.. I think my problem is that I try to help those that I see as broken in some way and after awhile I start falling in love with them, trying to give them the love I see that they need so desperately at times. I think I was never actually in love with her, but the brokenness I saw in her if that makes any sense..

I'm not some white knight that goes around saying, "I can save you!" I have feelings, I have my own desires and tastes, but when I see someone that is broken inside like me, I feel drawn and attracted to that in some way that I really can't seem to understand.. It's like I was saying when I can emphasize with pretty much everyone I get to know.. I don't know how to stop doing what I do, I don't know how to stop myself from falling in love with these women that have been thrown away, rejected, stamped on, and I all I can give is my heart to be used instead of theirs. When I try to build up their self-esteem I tell them what they should of been told their entire lives, that they are loved, that they are full of worth, that they are strong, and smart and beautiful.

The society around us idolizes the thin form and shape of the human body, due to this, we have men and women acting certain ways in order to appear beautiful and pretty. For some it's a habit, a ritual, performing just for the sake of the audience that they know is watching. And the mask they keep on degrades more and more over time until they have a mental breakdown, which is why people suddenly seem to snap and do all sorts of crazy things. The mask they have is gone, and the mind can't handle it anymore, and society laughs, judges, and gossips all to make themselves feel better in some way or another. Sure, I may have my stance on certain subjects, but that doesn't mean anyone else that disagrees I love any less, it just means I love them more and want to try and let them see where I am coming from. Do I want them to change their stance? No. I want to show them both sides of the argument and let them decide.

My ex said that she couldn't do that, that her lifestyle, her choices in life were not up for talking about, even with me. So currently I'm alone, single, and talking to a girl that calls me Onii-chan.. She has problems with life and doesn't feel like she has any worth.. And what am I doing? I tell her that she is full of worth, that she is a princess, she is smart and pretty, and can do anything she sets her mind too.. And I am falling in love with her, even though were not related by blood or relations, I am falling in love with a girl I call Imoto.. little sister..  And I can just see myself being hurt or hurting her in some way and I am trying to avoid that so hard.. But I don't know what to do again... So if anyone can give me advice in some way in order to stop this cycle of self-abuse, can you let me know? Please?

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