If you search on the internet long enough you can come across forums that tell people how exactly they can kill themselves with little to no pain.. Personally I've fantasized about jumping off a tall building, to just give into that small voice in the back of my head that tells me to let go of it all.. Sure, I would leave a mess, but the pain would stop, right? It would all go black, and all it would take is a small step off of some building and splat! Oh i'm sure that my family and friends would cry, my ex would spill tears as well.. But it wouldn't have been her fault that I decided to let go, sure she was my last anchor into the painful struggle of reality, but it would of been my choice..
Suicide, I'm told is never the answer, and I should know that to be true.. My adopted family would most likely be heartbroken as well as all I can show around outside of myself is a cracked smiling mask! I just want to take it off, and stomp on it! Crushing it into little pieces, until nothing remained and I could freely cry and just show who I really am.. For all I can see is that the bright future that I saw as a little boy has grown dim, and it keeps getting darker.. And the pain hurts so much at times that I want to just rip my heart out to make it stop.
We few that live in the darkness by choice, by pain, by memories that head our demons show humanity that we are weak and fragile beings. And the pressure is more then enough to drive us over, to make us jump, or to cut, or to burn, or to just finally go numb.. Humanity is flawed, and the hole inside of us that so many want to fill never gets any smaller. A fact that most of us choose to ignore, and a fact that some of us can't ignore..
Showing support to those with depression, suicide, and the like is a great action for the self.. But when was the last time you saw someone let their mask slip just enough to see the hurt underneath? Words and self actions can only get you so far until you face the harsh reality around you, and you are given a choice. Will I end it all here, to finally make the pain stop once and for all, or will I fight the pain, to hopefully see a brighter tomorrow?
If you have someone that understands what you are going through, never let them go for they may be the only line you have left in this life. They are the difference between life and death for us few that cannot see something brighter at the end of the tunnel.. We few whose courage and strength has been worn down throughout the years, enduring for so long that any fighting spirit is spent, any peace that we wanted has fled, and any happiness is eaten up when we go for our vice to help us cope.
Those around us will never be able to see the real us beneath our masks that we have for so long worn that we want to desperately believe that we are happy in where we are in life. Happiness for us is fleeting, but it feels so good that we want more, and we would do anything for that brief respite from our daily struggles. We few who cannot escape our demons, would do anything to make them go away..
I personally right now have been up for more then twenty four hours because I am afraid to sleep. An action that once brought me relief is gone, and the nightmares that haunt me when I there should never be allowed to torment others.. These demons are mine to endure, to fight, to try and survive, but for how much longer will I be able to last? Will I eventually give up and join those before me into never ending sleep, or push through it, crying and clawing and yelling the entire time until my true happiness comes to drive away my demons?
Right now, I don't know.. But it would be so much easier to take that step over the edge wouldn't it? No more pain, no more sorrow, no more having to pretend that I'm okay and that I want to die on the inside? I know my family would be saddened, but they would still be alive, and wouldn't have to worry about me anymore..
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